so here i am again, wondering...

Wondering how the men in my past are doing... How they fare in this cruel world... Once in a while I'll see one of my exes with his new girlfriend and I'm happy that they've moved past "us". Of course every once in a while, I'll feel that small twinge of "jealousy" or "pain", but maybe it's just that feeling of reminiscing something that once meant so much. Most of them ended on a bad note, mostly at my fault, but I hope someday they see the bigger picture and can just sum me up to experience for something bigger and better out there for them. I don't want any ill will between them and I, but it seems not everyone can be so forgiving. In any case, I do wish them well and a prosperous life.

As for me, have I finally found my happiness? Well, I have, but  at what cost? I can't say I ever knew what I wanted exactly, but I always knew what I didn't want when I found it. For example, the men I've dated. We all have our flaws and there is no such thing as a universal perfection, but to each individual, we have our own definition of perfection. They were all great "experiences" for me to find what I didn't want... Or they showed me that I still had something to search for.

Everyone wants something different out of the person they choose to spend forever with. For me, all I want is someone who will understand me thoroughly and hear me. Not just hear the things I'm saying, but also the things I'm not saying. Humans are like forever changing labyrinths and all I'm asking for is someone who would willingly navigate those halls till the very end. I know, not everything can be understood, but there's bound to be someone out there who will reach out further than the rest.

And there was such a person.

He showed me passages in me I never knew existed... He showed me things I had overlooked. He knew me beyond myself and it was just utterly amazing and such a beautiful thing. I can only hope that I had done the same for him. He is the bar, and the bar is oh-so-very high.

But he's unattainable.

You know, like one of those "forbidden love" stories kind of deal, except this story's not going to have a happy ending... Or so it seems. I don't know. I wish it did.

Why do we take the important things in life for granted until we finally lose them? Why don't we ever see how much it really means to us? Wouldn't it save us the heartache if we could just be thankful for what we have?

Sorry the bar is so high... I feel I've hurt a lot of men in my life and I'm only 22-years-old. Is that normal? I don't mean to... I really don't, but I can't help it if they couldn't keep me happy. I am not even asking for much...

No matter how much I've learned from my past experiences and how cautious I am trying to be, I can't help but hurt people.

Or maybe I'm not trying...

the flow of time

so much has happened and changed since i last posted. the saddest part of it all is that my life keeps moving forward before i can even finish adjusting. i'm not sure if the path my life has started to embark on is even in the direction i wanna go... i suppose we'll see how it ends.