Are my hands stained with blood

If I don't try to save someone who attempts to suicide over me? It's not that I don't want to, it's not that I can't be bothered... I'm just trying to break the cycle before it can even start... It's not that I don't care, I do so much. I'm scared, but I won't nurture this behavior.

Don't ever make someone your reason for living, bc when they leave, you'll have nothing to live for.

I have It Was You by Brother Su on repeat

So I am falling, right? Or at least it feels like a constant falling feeling. Not even free falling. It is the act of first falling, repeated. Each second that passes, that event I perceive with my eyes, is a frame that disappears... Tho I try to comprehend what has just happened, the frame disappears and I can't remember it. Or more like, I can see it, I know what happened, but I can't grasp it. If you know what I mean. And then I wake up and realize I'm still there, with them. And they are still talking. But the music lasts so long and the colors just become a blur. It's like when you're asleep, you dream of falling and then you wake up. It was that constant feeling. That, and the constant feeling of trying to remember your dream, but the more you try, the further away it gets. Like I'm constantly waking up. Maybe we die only to wake up.
My body felt so weird. My breasts were sore and I swear I almost climaxed. Yeah I was horny. I didn't know it could affect me like this. When I lay down, it was like my body was just floating away. I was lost in the music and my thoughts.

He makes my heart beat just a little faster

I say

you've been selfish. I say it, but maybe I've been selfish, too. Who could ever tell? I don't think I have though. The hurtful things I've said and done, I was at my breaking point... You let me break, but I'm thankful for that...

You know, I've never loved anyone as much as I did him. He made me beautiful, and ugly at the same time. Effortlessly brought out qualities in me I wanted, but then made me a weaker woman... Ugh I loved and hated it. They are not the same things, completely different things I'm talking about... I only got over him because of the last guy, who loved me the world over... Why am I so hung up over some guy who could not treat me right, while there was someone here who would do anything for me? It was my wake up call while we were both in tears. He actually did exactly what I'd asked him to. I begged him to save me from the very beginning, and he did. Then one night when I proclaimed my first step away from the misery I'd found myself in, I was reminded of the continuation of time... Weird, how things happened that way.

Anyways, my brother proposed to his girlfriend about a week ago in Chicago. I'm against him marrying so soon, but I can't help it but be happy for him, too. (': I hope all goes well.