I absolutely despise

Not being able to take care of myself. I hate having to ask for help.

Can't wait

For xmas to be over. It's more stressful than it should be for me this year. Or maybe it's just everything in general. I decided to make some hand made gifts this year, but it's not going well. With all this stress, I've been getting hives. At first it was all over my body, but now it just pops up around my ankles whenever I get overwhelmed so I try to keep calm. Take things one at a time.

This week

I had this strange dream. I'm pretty sure it was Sunday night. I was lying in bed playing a game on my phone and texting my boyfriend. At around 11:30 PM I started to feel tired so I told the bf I would be taking a nap. Then close to 1:30 AM I "woke up", kind of. It felt like a dream or it had started out as a dream anyways. In the dream everything was as it was when I'd fallen asleep. I could see my living room area and someone had just sat down on the couch. They were crying, and I swear I could hear them crying, and they were begging for help, but I can't remember if it was in Hmong or English. I couldn't tell if it was a guy or girl and at some point I thought it was someone I knew.
There's only been one other time I can remember where I felt fear and was aware that I was dreaming. That time and this, I forced myself out of slumber. For some reason, in that dream Sunday night, I felt fear and panic and tried to force myself awake, but no matter how hard I tried it was so hard to stay awake. It's hard to explain just how I felt at that moment. I was half awake, but it was so hard to stay conscious.
My eyes opened slightly and I could see my closet and the light next to the bathroom door on. I heard some noise in the living room area and someone stumbling to my bedroom area. The person was still crying and stumbling to the bathroom. It was just a black shadow with the light behind them, but they seemed taller than me and a bit more on the lean side. Anyways, I heard them bump into the door frame as well and by the time they'd disappeared into the bathroom I was arguing with myself about going back to sleep or waking up to check out what had actually happened.
Now, I say I was half awake, but maybe it was also sleep paralysis. I hadn't moved the entire time, but then again, I'm sure I didn't try to move either. I don't know why. I was so tired and sleep seemed like it would feel just so good at that moment, but voice of reason won and I finally mustered up enough strength and conscious to text my bf and open my game to keep myself awake. Funny thing is, when I got up I knew I was alone. Not just because I live alone, but because of that feeling of when you actually are alone in an enclosed space.

Head hurts...

Last night I went to the 90s and was told I look 12 lol... Complete with a Mickey Minnie shirt, but my boobs gave it away haha
Ummm... Chiguy and I are like life partners now or something lol he's so super awesome. My trip to chi isn't happening. My friends were indecisive and things were just not falling into place. Maybe next year.
I think I'm going to get a second job. Just do temp during the daytime for a while, apply for school in December and get my life on track.

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):

Getting a second job wouldn't be so stressful if I didn't live by myself.

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...

Why can't the people who claim to care about me just try to understand me instead of trying to change me?

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Hehe

I went to Chicago the first weekend of this month! It was an alright trip, but I plan to go back with some girlfriends some time next month (: It's going to be a blast! While we were there we went to a club, the Stone Lotus, and 6Flags. The Stone Lotus was small, but had a lot of energy. I met a guy there and he's so super awesome! I thought he was gay though haha

Right now just looking at apartments, interior design and furniture for some therapy haha Oh and I am going to start trying my hand at jewelry making... Something to do... Oh yeah and I also cut my hair (: had my bestie give me an undershaaaave! Oh and I got my nose pierced, gonna go back for my lip after Chicago :D

One more fucking love song

I'll be sick.

I'm thinking of closing this blog. Maybe. Or not making this my art blog, but just a place for dumping my thoughts. Since that's what I do anyways.

I've been told by a few people I look different in the mirror.

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I'm at a weak point again.

I don't want to fall back into repetition. I have to be strong and I know it, but I'm so weak right now... I don't know what the reasonings are, but if there's a chance for disaster, I need to be strong.

Loneliness is such a strange emotion... I won't fall victim to it again. I know I'm hurt, but I just gotta turn this pain into my strength, into my momentum out of here. I gotta keep the goal in focus.

I am not sure what I wait for anymore...

Just one word? Maybe. Just a sign that you still think of me, but maybe it's not fair bc I try to cast you out of my mind so often. Even more so out of my heart...

I bought the Hunger Games and finished reading them all. I suppose it was a pretty decent read, but I really do believe they could have been better. My favorite character would have to be Peeta. He's all man (: The most disappointing thing about the series would probably have to be... the transitions into some of the major events... Most especially the last "boss fight". Haha. If you can call it that... What bugged me a lot while I was reading the books was that, for some reason, Bella from Twilight kept coming to mind... And I absolutely detest Twilight...
Anyways, after I finished the series I wanted to continue reading so I went to the bookstore and picked up Wicked and The Lord of the Flies. I've started on Wicked and it's kinda slow, but then again I'm like only in two chapters I think haha... My bestie has the other book and I'm not sure how far he's into it yet...

I guess since I've picked up reading again (finally), I've also found myself more motivated to draw... Even to pick up my DSi and finish the games I never completed... But, what most inspired me to draw again was just watching little animation shorts on youtube. The styles, stories and creativity of all the ones I've seen make me want to create some of my own. Do something, make something that might inspire someone else as well. Bring my own characters to life and nurture them to perfection... Ahhh!!! But, I really need to improve on my coloring ): What I've been working on is so embarrassingly horrible, I don't even want to post it...

Oh. I also want to try my hand at writing (: Maybe I'll work on a children's storybook first... Work my way up.

I couldn't explain it to you

Why I couldn't love you without making it sound like you weren't good enough. There's no way I can say it so you won't take it the wrong way. You are more than good enough to love, you are are easy to love and I love you. You just aren't what I'm looking for. You don't have what it is my heart yearns for. You could not fill the void within me. I don't think we'd be happy for the rest of our lives. I don't want ”this”.

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It's been a while again

I've been keeping a lot bottled up I don't even know where the beginning is anymore. I suppose a lot has happened... I got in trouble with the law and I'm still trying to get that sorted. Seems whenever something bad happens, stressing me out, I start thinking about issues passed that I thought I was over with already. But I'm not... I'm trying to find any logical reasoning behind these problems, but I'm afraid even if I do find answers I can accept, the hurt may not go away. I don't know how to make the hurt go away.

Tonight I am here, home alone, thinking about the people in my past again. The brief periods, the importance of each meeting, the departure. I wonder how everyone is doing, what has happened since the parting, what they are like now... Friends, family, lovers alike. Am I the only one who finds value in it? If I were truly happy, would I still wonder about them? Am I just thinking too much? It's just kind of amazing how, in this world of billions of people, I got to meet those that I did...

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