22

I'm confused again... I feel lost and alone. This person is me, isn't it? But, am I allowed to be me? If being me results in being alone, would I really want it? This situation will completely contradict who I am... Or who I thought I was. Am?

I realized something someone told me was true... At first I thought it was unnecessary for them to even think it, but in the end I got kinda hurt... And their words came back to me. He really only cared and saw past what I saw. And then that situation got me thinking about what another friend said to me that also applied... It's so weird, but I see what he was talking about now. Things make sense now...

I always thought I was a great listener... But, here I find I don't listen very well and I don't pay attention very well either. I seem to be so oblivious to so many things. Man, I got so much growing up to do.

I think I still don't know who my friends are. I think I still don't know who I can really trust and who I can really rely on. Wow I can't think, there's so much going on right now I can't even organize my freak'n thoughts.

I went up north to see the stars some nights ago with my secret lover. They were totally gorgeous and I was reminded of my childhood.

21

Omg, I feel so bad ]: I was supposed to be at my sister's today before 7AM, but I woke up at 7.26AM so my brother-in-law had to stay until I got here and he had an interview at 8.20AM. I got here at 8.10AM )': Feel so bad... I'll have to apologize when he gets back. I actually didn't get to sleep till about 5.30 this morning which is why I missed the 20+ calls I got.

;sigh... You know, I think couples who can stay together for a long time, even when they've reached their limits, can still persevere and love each other are simply amazing... I wonder what it takes to have that kind of dedication? I wonder why I can't, or more like haven't been able to, do that? Maybe it's because of the way I think, the way I see life... Love? I truly do believe that finding love amongst genuine people isn't very hard, the only thing is the compatibility. Individuals have unique colours and when meeting others, the colours mix to create either something beautiful, decent, or hideous. And I believe everyone deserves the best... So maybe every time I've felt like the colours have run dry... I just gave up and started searching for something new? Or is it that after a while I just started seeing their true colours and didn't like what I saw? Or maybe I just refuse to change my colours for them... I don't want to settle for anything less than the best and I really don't think anyone else should either. Honestly, I've loved and still do love the men who I've shown my weakest side to, but maybe... Just maybe, their presence just wasn't big enough for me to not be able to let go, for me to not be able to forget. I'm probably one of the stubbornest people I know and I wish it wasn't so because it actually causes a lot of pain for those around me, but maybe someday, someone out there will be overwhelming enough for me to just completely forget and lose myself. Maybe someday, someone out there will be able to affect me so greatly, but so subtly that I won't even put up a fight. That might actually require someone with a really strong and flexible will... Or, I'm just thinking too much... But, I'm sure that someone like that exists somewhere... Someone who would have left the greatest imprint on my life. Or maybe it's not even that, maybe it's just that I need to try harder, or that I need to give in sometimes. Um... I wonder if I've ever really compromised before? Oh man, it would be really depressing if the answer is no. Hmmm... To life's questions, you never really get an answer, but I think I'll try to find my own. This is a work in progress.

One thing that can automatically make me sad is when someone doesn't believe in me. Well, only if that someone means anything to me at all, and there's not a whole lot of people who actually mean anything to me, but no one will ever know for sure who they are. I seem to have forgotten to work on my flaws... I know I hardly come through with what I say I'm going to do, but it'd be nice if people could continuously believe in me and keep on cheering me on ): I think in the end all I really want in life is just to have someone or some group of people that I can really talk to. The fancy things in life just doesn't matter if there's no one who can care for and accept you for who you are. Even amongst the closest people to my heart, I'm finding that really hard to find, maybe I can't even find it... But, I won't try to find a definite answer because it would just be sad if it actually didn't exist. Hmmm... But, if it doesn't exist, that's not to say that someday it couldn't exist...

I wonder... What does it take to fully understand an individual... I don't think it's that hard, it's all a matter of whether you can accept them or not and how open you are. Wow, my dark chocolate is so good... Anyways, I know humans are very complex... We're all always continuously changing, too... So, wouldn't that mean that no matter how much you know a person... You'll never always know them? Even when you think you're finally close to cracking the code, it's already changed right under your nose. Oh, but I suppose that's what makes life fun, right? Because we're all continuously changing, you'll never really know... Nothing is ever definite... And the answers you seek will always be changing as well... So... There's no point in creating the person that I am because that person will change again... Or I mean... I'm not drawn in pen, but pencil. Oh my god this dark chocolate tastes even better than it did yesterday... Hmmm it's so fascinating though... If I see things this way... I wonder how I'll see others around me now? Life and people are so strangely complex. How amusing indeed...

You know... I wonder when I started seeing him as a man? Actually, I think it's when I saw him again for the first time in such a long time. I was actually surprised that he was taller than me haha! But, that made me notice how... dominant he was? Wait, that sounds so weird lol... I don't know how to explain it. I think I always saw him as maybe... a brother? Well, maybe just a person I knew and liked hanging out with... And then when I started seeing him as a man, I don't think I even noticed, but, I suppose, eventually it became something that I couldn't just overlook anymore. How weird... To put these thoughts into words, it makes me feel a little different.

Hmmm so sleepy... All this thinking and chocolate is making me soooo sleepy...

20

Sometimes when he's near it feels like waking up to a mellow cerulean blue sky filled with hints of azure and shades of green that turns into a blazing sky filled with oranges and pinks... He's like the smell of the dew in the morning grass or like the sound of distant passing cars on some quiet street. He is the warmth of autumn's setting sun and slowly, while I was unaware, it's become an infinite space... Almost as if I'm just floating in space, in that lonesome darkness, but I am completely aware of his presence.

I just can't get enough of him and I can't get a grasp at him. No matter how hard I try, I feel as though I can not touch his soul. What scares me is that this might be some passing infatuation for him, and someday I would have not even left a mark in his life. Before I know it, the little time we have together has already passed and I still have not satiated my appetite for him. It doesn't help that the more I get of him, the more I end up wanting. It just keeps on slowly growing and growing and I don't know what to do to stop it. I can't even seem to find the right words to describe how I really feel. It sounds all sad and depressing, and I must admit sometimes when I think too much it is, but for the most part I'm happy and just content. I don't think I could ask for more from him. I know very well how he feels because he continuously lets me know and he's brutally honest in such a gentle way. Sometimes all I need is just to gently run my fingers across his skin, gently burn kisses on his neck and shoulders and I can feel so deeply connected to him.

I still find it so strange how my feelings keep changing without my even realizing it. I can't even see the shifts, he's like a ninja exploring my heart!

I'm scared I won't be able to let go though since sometimes I don't even know how I'm going to react to things. I'm afraid he'll have become the very air I breathe. But, I shouldn't even be thinking about such things... I don't want to be sad while I'm with him, I don't want to waste the time I have with him on such feelings and things that I have little to no control over. How, I wonder, did things ever end up this way? Everything in life is so unsure and it's filled with twists and turns and you wind up somewhere you never thought you'd ever be. You find the greatest things in the simplest, most unexpected of places. The hardest things might actually be the easiest while doing the easiest thing might be the hardest thing to ever do. Sometimes I want to stand still and watch the world move around me, for just one day I want to watch the world pass me by with him by my side. All I need is just to hold his hand and I'd feel it wasn't wasted. As content as can be...

I think I'm depressed again. I've been sleeping a lot more lately. Or maybe it just seems that way because I actually haven't been sleeping a whole lot. My schedule is just so out of tune enough as it is already, and this whole week I'm babysitting which upsets the already messed up schedule of mine. I can't wait till next week... Back to sleeping till 3 in the PM. Right now I'm seriously considering moving in with my sister when she does buy a house. I didn't want to at first because it's her and her in-laws, I'd feel like an outsider intruding. It's not a good feeling, and I might feel even more lonelier. Or... I might feel better because I can't stand living alone. And in any case I could save a lot of money. I'd like to travel and ... put some plans into action [: But, that's only a huge maybe... Man, living alone is soooo hard. It's such a huge struggle, but I think I could be doing better... Well, I'm just starting out so taking one step at a time is fine, I think...?

Ah I would really love to go back to school too... With a new muse in my life I want to start drawing again, actually I have started drawing again... I'll post screen shots another time. It feels good to be drawing again though, and seriously I think I'm getting better... Or maybe I'm just feeling a little more confident about it now? Who knows, I like it [:

Ugh but work! Always a sore point in my life!! I seriously hope our new store director does something about the head CSM, preferably getting a new one! I swear, if the schedule could just be the same every week and just a little fixing here and there when people request time off, then it could seriously save everyone some trouble! I don't understand why it must be random every single week! It's almost illogical! Not only that, but I could go on and on about many many many more things that are wrong at my work place! I don't know what to do... Sometimes I feel like no one hears me argg... Or... I think most people treat me like a little kid ]: and as Thomas said, a blond! No!! NOOOO...

19

I think I've gotten myself into another mess. I'm secretly dating someone I shouldn't be dating. Because of cultural rules, our relationship would never be approved. The chances of it ending in ruins is so high it's ridiculous. I suppose we ourselves see the end, but still cling on to what we already have. I've actually known him for two years now and I never thought I'd ever fall for someone I'd known for a while already. It's a great new experience for me and I'm loving every bit of it. I'm not exactly head-over-heels for him like I normally was for previous boyfriends, but that's okay because I really do want to take my time falling for him. I want to take my time experiencing all the feelings that he will give me.

I'm the type who would willingly be outcasted if it meant being able to hold onto something I really believed in; I am selfish like that. I rebel against my parents and I can walk away if I'm disowned. I have no problem with arguing and talking back. I am that kind of child. I'm inconsiderate and stubborn. I'm a fool. He, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He loves his parents and listens to them. He's a good boy who puts others first. He's the type who would sacrifice his happiness to keep the peace... So I know, or at least have a pretty good idea of where I stand and what might happen should his parents find out about us.

It's heartbreaking, but there's nothing wrong with whatever decision he will end up making. Even after knowing all this I still want to walk forward. I want to take everything I can from this relationship. Nothing is definite and the future is so unsure, but for sure I know I'm happy and content just being with him now. It's enough to just be on the phone with him even if neither of us is talking. It's enough to just know that he misses me, too. I like listening to his voice when he talks, when he sings, and I especially love his laugh. It's even more charming when he's really surprised or amused. I love his chinky eyes and he's unbearably cute when he gets really into whatever he's talking about or doing and when he struggles with explaining something. He's normally so mature and chill, but sometimes there's this kid in him that comes out and I just want to take him home with me and never let him go.

But... I also worry about how all of this will affect him. Do I just willingly let him get hurt, too? It's so... hard. It's complicated. Ugh I don't know what to do about it. And how hard is it going to be on us if we break up, but still stay friends? I'd always want to be with him...

I can't think anymore.