20

Sometimes when he's near it feels like waking up to a mellow cerulean blue sky filled with hints of azure and shades of green that turns into a blazing sky filled with oranges and pinks... He's like the smell of the dew in the morning grass or like the sound of distant passing cars on some quiet street. He is the warmth of autumn's setting sun and slowly, while I was unaware, it's become an infinite space... Almost as if I'm just floating in space, in that lonesome darkness, but I am completely aware of his presence.

I just can't get enough of him and I can't get a grasp at him. No matter how hard I try, I feel as though I can not touch his soul. What scares me is that this might be some passing infatuation for him, and someday I would have not even left a mark in his life. Before I know it, the little time we have together has already passed and I still have not satiated my appetite for him. It doesn't help that the more I get of him, the more I end up wanting. It just keeps on slowly growing and growing and I don't know what to do to stop it. I can't even seem to find the right words to describe how I really feel. It sounds all sad and depressing, and I must admit sometimes when I think too much it is, but for the most part I'm happy and just content. I don't think I could ask for more from him. I know very well how he feels because he continuously lets me know and he's brutally honest in such a gentle way. Sometimes all I need is just to gently run my fingers across his skin, gently burn kisses on his neck and shoulders and I can feel so deeply connected to him.

I still find it so strange how my feelings keep changing without my even realizing it. I can't even see the shifts, he's like a ninja exploring my heart!

I'm scared I won't be able to let go though since sometimes I don't even know how I'm going to react to things. I'm afraid he'll have become the very air I breathe. But, I shouldn't even be thinking about such things... I don't want to be sad while I'm with him, I don't want to waste the time I have with him on such feelings and things that I have little to no control over. How, I wonder, did things ever end up this way? Everything in life is so unsure and it's filled with twists and turns and you wind up somewhere you never thought you'd ever be. You find the greatest things in the simplest, most unexpected of places. The hardest things might actually be the easiest while doing the easiest thing might be the hardest thing to ever do. Sometimes I want to stand still and watch the world move around me, for just one day I want to watch the world pass me by with him by my side. All I need is just to hold his hand and I'd feel it wasn't wasted. As content as can be...

I think I'm depressed again. I've been sleeping a lot more lately. Or maybe it just seems that way because I actually haven't been sleeping a whole lot. My schedule is just so out of tune enough as it is already, and this whole week I'm babysitting which upsets the already messed up schedule of mine. I can't wait till next week... Back to sleeping till 3 in the PM. Right now I'm seriously considering moving in with my sister when she does buy a house. I didn't want to at first because it's her and her in-laws, I'd feel like an outsider intruding. It's not a good feeling, and I might feel even more lonelier. Or... I might feel better because I can't stand living alone. And in any case I could save a lot of money. I'd like to travel and ... put some plans into action [: But, that's only a huge maybe... Man, living alone is soooo hard. It's such a huge struggle, but I think I could be doing better... Well, I'm just starting out so taking one step at a time is fine, I think...?

Ah I would really love to go back to school too... With a new muse in my life I want to start drawing again, actually I have started drawing again... I'll post screen shots another time. It feels good to be drawing again though, and seriously I think I'm getting better... Or maybe I'm just feeling a little more confident about it now? Who knows, I like it [:

Ugh but work! Always a sore point in my life!! I seriously hope our new store director does something about the head CSM, preferably getting a new one! I swear, if the schedule could just be the same every week and just a little fixing here and there when people request time off, then it could seriously save everyone some trouble! I don't understand why it must be random every single week! It's almost illogical! Not only that, but I could go on and on about many many many more things that are wrong at my work place! I don't know what to do... Sometimes I feel like no one hears me argg... Or... I think most people treat me like a little kid ]: and as Thomas said, a blond! No!! NOOOO...