Ehhhhh I wish I posted more frequent

But I don't... My hands are pretty dry right now, it's quite uncomfortable. As of recent I've been pretty inspired to start working on my tattoo! I was looking at polynesian tats and just totally fell in love with the balance they have! Awesome works of art. So yeah, I got a couple ideas going for that, but I prolly won't get one anytime so soon... I want to make sure it means something to me, something I won't regret later. So a different idea I have for the far future is my family's names... Was considering my birth mom's name, but it just doesn't feel right to mix it in with the family I grew up with... I'll figure something out I guess... And then I should start working on a skull for my brother... I gotta do it this time ):
I haven't even started on my xmas shopping... Maybe I'll go do that tml, but I've no idea what to get my bil! Augh!


Um... So I finally went out to see BT... We saw The Descendents, which was a good watch. I like the movie... I suppose seeing him was not as bad as I dreaded... Tho we didn't talk a whole lot haha... I'm still shy and nervous, but I'm sure I'll warm up...


Oh and I dyed my hair. It has washed out a bit now, but it's red. My new years resolution is to get fit enough to be a superhero/villain. I'm thinking Poison Ivy lol I'm not going to make a sexy one, but maybe cute if anything...

Just a quick post

A few sketches I did a while ago... I do like them. Little Red, a mermaid, and a girl I want to bring to life.


A quick photo of me... I liked my makeup that night...


Lola... I miss Lola. This was when we were on our way back to MN... This was our first meeting... I love her.

I finally have some sort of life plan.

Go back to school by fall of 2013, graduate around 2017, attain my dream job and be in the process of adopting a baby boy with the surname Lee. I don't have any real plans for marriage simply because I don't believe marrying the one you love is mandatory or even necessary. I honestly don't know if I could ever commit anyways... But yeah, that's my plan. It was only recently that I seriously thought about it, and it's completely different from what I wanted in the beginning. I thought I'd be out of school and married by 24, then I thought I'd be married with a kid on the way at 28-29, but now I'm not even considering marriage and I'm not even in school. Life is strange... I thought I knew who I was at 21, but now I'm just feeling like I'm finally figuring myself out. I'm only 23, but I already feel like I'm running out of time. Maybe it's because I have ages set for completion of my goals... But, I don't want to be too old by the time I adopt a kid either and that HAS to come after school. It is complicated.

So that being said, what does that say about my current love interest? Where does he fit in? Well, honestly it doesn't even seem like I could fit in his life. He's always so busy. I'd be lucky if he even texts within the hour. I hear his voice every few days, and that lasts on average 5 minutes. While he's on the run, mind you. But, don't get me wrong, I am loving the space and time I get to myself. It's something different. And he's not like one I talked to before, this guy actually makes an effort... I need to focus on me as much as I can anyways...



I've been trying to get into semi realistic drawing. I've tired of the anime style. Not that I won't do it from time to time, but I just feel too limited... I guess I want to try my hand at something new. Dae and I are going to start on a web comic and he already has this story idea going which I am very excited about! I think it will be very interesting (: We will work on the storyline, then figure out the art. I'm thinking it would be interesting if we switched off every chapter or so... Maybe even have guest artists! Awesome...

Are my hands stained with blood

If I don't try to save someone who attempts to suicide over me? It's not that I don't want to, it's not that I can't be bothered... I'm just trying to break the cycle before it can even start... It's not that I don't care, I do so much. I'm scared, but I won't nurture this behavior.

Don't ever make someone your reason for living, bc when they leave, you'll have nothing to live for.

I have It Was You by Brother Su on repeat

So I am falling, right? Or at least it feels like a constant falling feeling. Not even free falling. It is the act of first falling, repeated. Each second that passes, that event I perceive with my eyes, is a frame that disappears... Tho I try to comprehend what has just happened, the frame disappears and I can't remember it. Or more like, I can see it, I know what happened, but I can't grasp it. If you know what I mean. And then I wake up and realize I'm still there, with them. And they are still talking. But the music lasts so long and the colors just become a blur. It's like when you're asleep, you dream of falling and then you wake up. It was that constant feeling. That, and the constant feeling of trying to remember your dream, but the more you try, the further away it gets. Like I'm constantly waking up. Maybe we die only to wake up.
My body felt so weird. My breasts were sore and I swear I almost climaxed. Yeah I was horny. I didn't know it could affect me like this. When I lay down, it was like my body was just floating away. I was lost in the music and my thoughts.

He makes my heart beat just a little faster

I say

you've been selfish. I say it, but maybe I've been selfish, too. Who could ever tell? I don't think I have though. The hurtful things I've said and done, I was at my breaking point... You let me break, but I'm thankful for that...

You know, I've never loved anyone as much as I did him. He made me beautiful, and ugly at the same time. Effortlessly brought out qualities in me I wanted, but then made me a weaker woman... Ugh I loved and hated it. They are not the same things, completely different things I'm talking about... I only got over him because of the last guy, who loved me the world over... Why am I so hung up over some guy who could not treat me right, while there was someone here who would do anything for me? It was my wake up call while we were both in tears. He actually did exactly what I'd asked him to. I begged him to save me from the very beginning, and he did. Then one night when I proclaimed my first step away from the misery I'd found myself in, I was reminded of the continuation of time... Weird, how things happened that way.

Anyways, my brother proposed to his girlfriend about a week ago in Chicago. I'm against him marrying so soon, but I can't help it but be happy for him, too. (': I hope all goes well.

I think

I know why you smoke now.

I'm so ashamed ):

This is the best I've done in a while.

I'm a MESS.

I'm completely different from who I used to be, I'm practically all the things I never wanted to be and all the things I wish I could be now, I'm finding it hard to even muster up enough motivation to even think about them. I used to think that if someone, anyone, needed help I would be the first one willingly offering my hand, but now I'm beginning to feel that I don't need to care about people who don't matter and I don't need anymore people in my life. I'm satisfied with the selection of people I already have. Instead of spreading my love to various people, I can concentrate it on a select few. I used to think of myself from other people's points of views, but now I'm thinking of myself from the inside out. I'm beginning to search for love and acceptance from myself for myself. I've begun to look for ways to achieve happiness. It's not hard if I just look for the individual sources of my unhappiness.

At my lowest points, there was no one else I saw, but you. I'm still trying to make sense of this twisted up story...

You Make

me hurt... With those selfish words you dish out so quickly w/o a second thought or a care as to how they would affect me.

A best friend is not someone you've known the longest, but someone who knows you the deepest.

Boy Why You So Obsessed

Seriously!?

Urgh! I'm so not in a good mood right now! I've been fishing almost every day, but the enjoyment has been slowly declining! I seriously wish I had someone I could talk to, heart to heart. I wish I had a best friend who I could tell everything to and would give me an honest opinion. I wish I had someone unbiased and caring.
I need time to myself, for myself and completely alone. I need a fucking break.
Why do people assign their own self worth to others? You don't fucking know and have even less authority to assign the worth of others to me.

I need a notebook. Pour my feelings and thoughts into the melting pot and hopefully something intelligible emerges.

I always say I don't know what I want, but only what I don't want. Well right now I miss you. I'm not sure if I'll be happy with you in the long run, but right now after not talking for almost 24 hours I'm left with this feeling of loss... Of longing. You often ask me why I love you, but I couldn't ever give you a "valid" reason. You know, it hurts when someone rejects your feelings in disbelief. I love you. It's as simple as that. It's hard not to love someone who cares so deeply and unconditionally. I know you love and you care for me without ever complaining. Who would I be to not end up loving you too? You are the sweetest. I know it sounds shallow, but I just can't explain it well. I can't find the words to explain my feelings of why.
It's true I can't imagine my future with you, but we never had time to really learn about each other. We never had the chance to really love each other. You have a lot of flaws that I'm always pointing out and I know I could be a lot more encouraging and supportive. I know I have a lot of flaws too. It is possible we could be happy together, working on us together.
I miss you.

Stalkers

Seriously need to take up a new hobby! Who the hell takes so much time out of their day to stalk my family members and friends!? Send me moronic messages on facebook from 5 AM to midnight?! Who lurks and leaves repetitively boring and harassing comments on my blog AND stalk the blogs I follow AND send the same mindlessly repetitive msgs to my youtube account?! Seriously, grow up and get a life. No one cares that you're crazy and butthurt over mistaking me for some dumb girl who called you. Everyone knows you're delusional and have some seriously deep-rooted problems you need to seek professional help for.

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Trust

A facebook friend posted a really good status a few nights ago, "A relationship without trust is like a car with no gas. You can stay in it for as long as you like, but it isn't going anywhere."

A great analogy. My ex, Mono, and I didn't have any trust issues. Some things in my past may have bothered him, but they had nothing to do with him not being able to trust me. Actually, trust may have never even been a topic of discussion between us. I think it was just always there. I do believe that trust was never an issue in any of my relationships aside from my most recent relationship with Steve.

I like to think I'm a pretty good judge of character. I know how to pick and choose the good ones so trusting who I date has never crossed my mind. I think I always just trusted that they wouldn't go and cheat on me. Once they do, which they never have, that would be the end of it. I don't want to always have to worry that my lover is out with this or that person doing this or that. They can go hang out with their ex and drink if they so please, but I also expect that they would know enough to respect me and let me know when it might have any chance of bordering the conflict zone. Any man or woman of mine has to be that mature and considerate.

So, I see a lot of couples who get into these crazy arguments over jealousy, insecurities and secrets. I don't understand where they plan to go or how it even started. They stay together bc they say they love each other, but how long can they keep it up? Love can only take you so far, someday someone's going to give and sometimes love's just not enough. If you stay bc you believe if you love them enough eventually they'll come to value you just as much as you do them, I think you're risking a lot. I think you're just telling them that it's okay if they don't treat you right, you will continue to stay by them.

I know there can't be trust if there's no faith as well. I guess it takes a lot of both and a lot of communication.

I'm losing my train of thought since this entry has been written on and off for a day now... I could go on and on, but it's already dragging enough.

I'm going to do some yoga and pilates then go for a brisk walk with my buddy Vivi and hopefully catch some z's before hitting the liquor store with Dae today (:

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The Internet

is more important than what a lot of people give it credit for. Sure it has its vices, but what doesn't? The problems we face online are fought in our own backyards. A key difference being that it's a lot faster on the internet, but preventive measures and corrective action can be just as fast. Information and communication is almost instant and ready at hand which gives protests like those in Libya a chance to reach across seas or makes finding directions a simple task. Sites like Facebook or Myspace make networking easier and helps us keep in touch with those we love and care about, but just can't find the time to call as frequent as we'd want. They can even cost you your job because you decided to carelessly and publicly undermine your boss. Information you want is gathered in one place and all it takes is a few key words in a search engine to filter an array of sites for your picking.


Maybe this is a bit much for a short blog entry, but I just felt like forming some of my thoughts into coherent sentences.

Tag

I can make many wishes right now to right the wrongs I've done, but it wouldn't make me any better a person. The past can't be corrected bc we would first have to change who we are. Yeah, I'm evil. Right form to the core.

I feel like the big bad wolf who raped little red riding hood.. I've destroyed something pure and innocent.

But I still can't quite bring myself to go back. I'm still afraid of that dark place that I might never be able to escape from again. I'm such a warped being. Didn't I ask for happiness? Didn't I ask to be loved? I did, but I've twisted my wish into something ugly. The touch of pain and misery has been passed from my hand.

Stress

We live our lives always putting ourselves first, thinking our problems have priority over others. We wonder why no one understands us when we ourselves don't even try to understand anyone else. We are so consumed and distracted by our own worlds that we don't have time to realize, everyone else hurts just as much. If we could all just take some time to help someone around us, we wouldn't feel so alone. I think we would then realize that our own burdens aren't as big as they seem.

But, no one even tries to communicate and reach out anymore. Everyone speaks their story so loud it drowns out all other voices. No one accepts the helping hand anymore. They take advantage of it, take it for granted, then blame it.

Man I've been so unhappy for so long, I know I've made two people very unhappy, too. Idk how to escape or how to even help myself. I think I should just ask a good friend what I should do, then do exactly just that. I don't think my judgement is right anymore.

Happiness

Is so hard to achieve, when it's the one thing we all aim to reach. Why do we make things so hard for ourselves and others? Why are we so selfish?

I never meant for things to get so twisted for so long. If there is an easy answer, an easy way out, well, it is very well hidden. People talk about a door opening when another closes, but I don't really want any doors to close... Doesn't that mean you lose something precious? You've lost that chance that is the closing door, but how do you know you want it to close?

I'm at a crossroad now... The burden is more than I can bear. I won't forget the memories for it will haunt me for a long time to come.

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So spoiled!

Oh gosh I've been so spoiled! On wednesday, I went shopping with my coworker and spent $100 alone at forever 21! I feel so naughty ): I bought a white, lacey dress, a green sweater, a pair of shorts, 3 pairs of lashes, 3 necklaces (one I bought for her) and some nose strips for my boyfriend. My coworker also bought me a little nail polish remover pump, I totally love it! Also my order from hautelook came in that day! I felt so terribly spoiled to the max! I really am loving the shadows tho. Then yesterday I went back to sephora and bought a little face scrub/brush. It makes my skin feel so clean, smooth and soft, but I should probably start using a moisturizer more often since it does dry my face a bit. Ah gotta learn some self restraint!

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Ugh waiting sucks

My order from hautelook still hasn't even shipped out to me yet!! And I'm a little upset I wasn't able to watch tonight's episode of glee ): oh well, all's as well since I haven't even caught up yet.

Lately I've been kinda moody... I don't like talking to too many people and no one's getting any sympathy from me either. I hate my work place so much right now. There's just too much shit I'd love to change, but this world seems to be run by idiots! Last night was super busy but I was alone bc someone was too stupid to remember that this is the busy time of the month! And I caught someone trying to walk out w/o paying for 2 cases of beer at 4 in the AM! Gosh maybe I just need a new job or maybe I just need to get away from here... Either one would be just fine...

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This bed hurts my back

Have I mentioned at all that I am in love with Glee!? I just finished the first season two days ago, LOVE it!! I think my favorite characters might be Kurt Hummel & Sue Sylvester... Britney is pretty funny and Mike is some kinda hot... Esp when he's dancing shirtless omg!! One of my favorite songs from season one is Defying Gravity, sung by Kurt. Oh and my circle lens came in yesterday!! Pink! They don't look too good on me but I still love them. I uploaded pictures on my facebook. I'm still trying to figure out how to work this blogger app, so I won't post any pictures up here yet.

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Guilty pleasures...

I got a new phone and number yesterday, I'm really happy, but feel so guilty and spoiled at the same time... I feel like the biggest spoiled brat ever!! So I don't plan to unnecessarily spend until I go on my date with my girl friend. Gotta have some self control! Actually the truth is I just recently purchased a pair of pink circle lens, some eye shadows from rock and republic via hautelook, a lash serum and a new lipstick. Yes, I've been pretty naughty... Luckily I have a nice boyfriend who helped me with the phone and offered to help with one of my monthly bills (: oh yes, I bought the mytouch 4g... Pretty sweet so far <3

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So i've been dealing with this guy's harassing txts & msgs from facebook for a little while now, but I still can't help but feel sorry for him. I know it's a huge misunderstanding & tho his insults are going overboard, I don't think i'll get a restraining order yet. I'm going to change my number first & if he happens to get it again, i'll have to take legal action... I guess i'm kind of glad this happened, otherwise I would have never known how big of a douche he really is. I think he's got a split personality or some sort of disorder. His msgs change between whining, accusatory and out right insulting. Actually, his insults are pretty funny... Which is probably why i'm going so easy on him... He IS a lost kid. A mean, lost kid.

anyways, tonight is so terribly cold! Maybe 20 below, idk. I didn't check the news, but my coworkers are pushing carts & one came in red-faced & says it's super cold plus the wind is blowing hard. I hope my little julia is faring well out there ):

i'm at work...

I wonder how it is that I ever ended up here? I think i'm so depressed over my state i'm trying to make myself feel better by updating my wardrobe & apartment. I feel a bit excited... & I want to get back into drawing as well... Slowly. I'm even thinking about going to school for auto mechanic or maybe i'll become a therapist. Maybe both, who knows.

i just need a change...