13

My dad's been calling me lately... Out of the blue talking about things that I really don't need to hear right now. He doesn't believe me when I say I work at night, or he probably thinks I get off at 10 or something. He thinks I go out till 5 in the AM drinking and partying. He thinks I don't want to get my life straight. He says he'd help me if I were a good person and hung out with a good crowd. He wants me to find a good man and settle down with a family if I'm not going to go to school. He says he's saying this all out of love and I can hate him all I want.

It's not like I don't know. It's not like I don't want to. And I definitely don't hate him for all that he's saying. I know it's all out of love and I don't mind. I'll listen. But it's not to say that I don't hurt from this. My dad doesn't know me, doesn't know that I am a good person, doesn't know that my friends are good people, doesn't know how badly I want to go back to school, doesn't know that I do want more out of life and that I am trying my hardest. He doesn't know how stressful it is for me. He doesn't seem to know that I hurt a lot from not having him to lean on...

I know life would have been easier if I had both my parents. If my family hadn't broken apart so long ago, I think I would have turned out quite normal and happy. But that's not my reality, and that's not how things are. Things are hard and strange and so very confusing. I really don't know who I can rely on and I don't know who I can talk to about these things. My father doesn't understand me even when I try to explain myself, my mother was never there and I never established much of a relationship with her, my sister has her own family to take care of, my brothers are young and innocent, my best friend has his own feelings and life problems to sort through, and the last person I'd want to run to is the guy of my affections...

Where I'm standing now, it's so lonely and scary. I can see what I have to do, where I have to go, but I don't see a method of getting there. In this situation I think I would say something like, "Just take a step, take a leap, take a chance." But really, I feel like I'm stranded on a driftwood not knowing how to swim or where to go with no land in sight. The skies are gray and cloudy, there is no sunlight and for miles and miles I can hear the silence that reminds me that I am truly alone. Honestly, I feel like I'm just going in circles.

There is one person I can ask for help, though. Even if he can't pull through, he tries his best and does what he can. Unfortunately, he should be the last person I ask for help from. I've wronged him and yet he's still willing to help me. Knowing this I feel just slightly better, yet also sadder. I really want to make it up to him someday. I think without needing to say much, he might just understand how much my feelings are in turmoil.

I could sigh all day... I could cry my eyes out... I could just scream in anguish and punch the walls till my hands are a bloody mess... But I won't. Instead, I think I'll sleep because I feel so drained now.

jfld;af;ldas

omg I'm freak'n tired ; o;
Last night we didn't get home till 3 AM
We went shopping with Tam for plants
for the restaurant and pots... and stuff.
Lan and I ended up buying some as well lol
I'll try to take pictures soon.

Oh and I think I'm so getting back
into the Disney movies...
Those princess' movies...
Aladdin is so handsome :3
Listening to the music again
it brings tears to my eyes lol

Yesterday I was in the car with Tam,
and she was telling me stories of her ex and stuff.
Other stories too, but my face hurt
from smiling and laughing too much lol

zzzzz

Um... So yeah like I'm so freak'n tired it ain't even funny.
Actually I'm not that tired.
But I'm worried I might start falling asleep when I get to work.
Not really work, but something like orientation.
Yeah, I really did get hired somewhere ; o;
Before we started I asked the HR if it really was going to take 4 hours
and I feel like a total ass for that lol
But orientation yesterday was so freak'n boring
I just seriously could not stop moving around and stretching.
So I feel even more of an ass for that ; o;
At least we're getting paid for this though =_=;;
I saw this girl that I'm pretty sure I went to middle school with though.
Her name is "Kelly", a nickname.

But besides this new job, I also have to babysit my niece everyday.
YEAH SERIOUSLY EVERYDAY.
No, actually only the weekdays.
My bro-in-law, KC, has graduate school and my sister, Sis, has work.
The in-laws are working & out of state, and the sibling-in-laws are at school.
It's just me and the sweet darling Zoey, who doesn't like to share lol
She's so cute omg ; o;
I'll take pictures today. Hopefully.
I brought the camera with me yesterday, but didn't take any pictures.
I don't have to do much since Zoey is always doing random things by herself
so I get to just surf the internet, paint, and play the wii.
LOL I SOUND HORRIBLE D8
No, I play with her too, but she does things by herself.
LIKE MAKING A HUGE MESS D'8
It isn't that bad though :3
It's a hassle trying to get her to eat her food though.
She eats for a while, then stops.
But she has no problem eating junk food orz...
SHE'S SO ADORABLE THOUGH 8D
She says things like, "noway" and "peez?" (please) and "whea" (where) and "auntee"
OMG SO CUTE 8'D
I think she's the most adorable when she's just woken up.
Her hair is all messed up... =w=

But yeah, it's boring playing the wii by myself.
There's no one to play with ; o;
I play the uh... That one with the random games or whatever
and Mario Kart, but it's soooo boring to race by myself ):
I could play Wii Sports, but...
LOL THAT'S SO SAD TO PLAY BY MYSELF!!!! |||OTL
Zoey has no interest in the Wii.

I suppose I could watch some drama since Sis showed me a new site.

Anyways, I think I'm going to change and take a nap before she comes and picks me up.

Cut

I cut myself today while cutting some fruit.
It was a tiny cut, but in that instant
time went by slowly
so I could feel every movement of the knife.

Last night at around midnight or so,
a friend since middle school called me.
There was a time when he & I could have dated,
but there was a lot of misunderstandings
so it didn't happen.
His cousin had a thing for me, too,
but that wasn't mutual.
Anyways, the last time I talked to my friend
was quite a while ago so it surprised me.
At the time he was dating a girl
and he told me that if they lasted the lease of their apartment
then they would get married.
But, last night I found out they had broken up a while ago.
I worry about him because we've known each other for so long now.
He's into some things that I wish he would quit, too.
He did say, though, that things are looking up for him right now.
I hope things stay that way and that he has a good life.
He's a good guy and I wish the best for him.

It's a little depressing when I think about it though.
I hope he still doesn't carry feelings for me.
When it's not mutual, it's a little lonely.
And after so many years, I could only imagine what it's like.
At times like these,
I find that the best song to listen to is,
"We Love You 世界は、キミを愛している" by Miyavi.
Humans seem so fragile...
We scurry upon this planet trying to live our lives the best we can.
There's so many people out there it's a little overwhelming.
How many people will I get to meet in my life-time?
How many will I come to love? How many will love me?
How deep are these bonds that we come across everyday?
To me, it's not easy to forget people.
Even now, I still think of my childhood.
Back in elementary school, I still remember their faces and names.
Most of them anyways.
I still remember what the classroom looked like.
I remember where they sat; where I sat.
What they wore, what their hair looked like.
Their voices, though a little distant.
I remember the playgrounds...
The tennis court where no one played tennis.
The swings that we always lined up to.
The long road which I'd never seen a car come through.
The monkey bars from which my cousin and friend climbed.
My family moved around a lot so my siblings and I transferred a lot.
There were many schools that I'd gone to.
So many people. So many faces.
I don't think I'll forget them for the rest of my life.
I wonder if they remember me, too?