6

I wish I'd stop being lazy and update my web page ): I think maybe this weekend I shall =D

Hmm... Let's see, what's been going on in my life... Well, this really close friend of mine... He's like the best person in the whole wide world. He's my sidekick that I always kick in the side for kicks. He's my Robin, my Harlequin, my Shiro. He's totally Shiro... You know, Shiro from TekkonKinkreet. It's such an awesome movie/manga. I myself much preferred the manga to the movie though. More details, as is always the case with books turned to movie. Anyways, my Shiro is like my brother... I feel like I treat him badly all the time... No, it's not like I feel that, I know it. I know I do. He sticks through it all though because he loves me. Not just any love, but the deeper kind of love. Can you imagine Batman falling in love with Robin? The Joker loving Harlequin? Kuro having more than just the brotherly-love feeling for Shiro? Haha... incest... Anyways, that's just through my eyes... I'm sure for him we play different roles. But yeah... That's my current situation, it's actually been going on a while, I just didn't know how to put it into words.
How do you let your best friend who is in love with you down gently? The situation is strange and overwhelming, but not sickening or irritating. I don't mind that he is in love with me, the only thing I do mind is that it hurts him so much. I've told him everything anyone would say as advice. I know it all because I myself would say the same thing if anyone asked for my help. This situation, though, has opened my eyes to what advice really is. Advice is just pure crap, it's bull shit. It's the corny shit that comes out of your mouth when you're trying to sound smart. Or whatever. I know what is going to come out of your mouth before you even think it, because when asked the same question, I would also be thinking the same thing.
So, now that I've learned this lesson, let's all just take a new stand, shall we? Let's put ourselves in the situation that is asking for advice. Let's imagine it as if it were us, you know, like think of your best friend. Imagine them in love with you. It doesn't matter if it turns into a gay/lesbian situation, it could happen. What would you do? You'd obviously say all that corny shit that people would give to you as advice. But, that doesn't help, now does it? It's like no one can help you and you're just stuck in the same place even after you've asked for help. Seriously, don't tell me something I already know. Don't tell me to say or do things that I've already said. I can think for myself. It's after saying all that, what do you do? You can tell someone to stop loving you as much as you want, but you can't move a heart. Nothing will ever be strong enough to move a heart. How do you deal with a situation like this? I've told him he should move on. There's nothing more between us and never will. I've even gone so far as to go on dates and talk with other guys and keep my buddy updated on my love life just to show him that I'm still moving on with my life at my pace even if it kills him a little inside. What I want is for him to move on and date around, get some girls and possibly some day fall in love with a really good girl. Hopefully she'll love him just as much, too.
Life's not that simple though. It's still complicated and he still hurts inside. I'm in the process of starting a budding relationship with someone new and it's hurting my little Shiro. I'm thinking, if I were my buddy, I would be hurt if the person I really loved just stopped talking to me... If they ignored me... You know, that would hurt. I know it hurts. That's why I'm not going to do it. Besides the fact that he's my little Shiro and I totally need him in my life. Right now I just talk to him about it when he's feeling really down. I'm treating him the way I've always treated him. I don't know... I don't know what to do anymore, I dont' even know if what I'm doing is right. I'm just doing what would help me get over a person, but the thing is he and I are not the same person. I really don't know what to do. It's so easy to say things when it's not you, but when you're stuck right in the middle of the drama you can't even see straight, you don't even know which way is straight. That's the beauty of life, ain't it wonderful?

On a different, but somewhat related note, how do I open up to my budding relationship partner? I've been scarred and now the thought of even opening up to him is like running out into the middle of a raging stampede. I really would love to, but to be honest I don't really know if I can trust him? I'm not sure what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but I feel as though he's a total flirt... or something o_o;; Well, if he says I can trust him and that he won't hurt me then I'll trust him. It's like wearing a white shirt with a target painted on your back in the middle of an archery practice range. I know. It's how I live my life and I'm still alive so I'm guessing it works. Haha I just don't want to regret anything and I kinda just want to live life with no restrictions. If the flood wants out, let's let it out. See how much damage it can cause (:

2

Let's see... Last Thursday David, Crabby and I went to a concert at Station 4. This was David and my first concert, Crabby's been to quite a few. I found out about it because I knew a guy who was in a band that was performing there. The band's name is Venus on Fire. I gotta say I was not disappointed in the least. All the bands that played that night were so freaking awesome!! There was this other band named Sunglasses and Mushrooms, but they sounded soooo much better live I can't even stress it enough! There was also Theoria and they were pretty good, too. There was a fourth band but I can't remember their name unfortunately ):

Then on Saturday we celebrated my brother-in-law's birthday with a picnic and the pinata event was just so adorable some kids kept getting hit by it instead of hitting it~~ After that my friends and I went to Carver Lake to swim and my goodness it's so gorgeous there! I was doing the dead man's float a lot so my friends would freak out haha I think I flashed my right nipple a few times before I tightened my swimsuit lol I don't know how long we were there for, but it was so fun... After getting out of the water we buried Wang in sand and made a sand body for him. He had boobs, a pregnant stomach, a penis and uneven legs lol... But it was so trippy we'd forget that the sand legs weren't his real legs that we'd be stepping on him haha As soon as I can I'm going to upload pictures... Just have a long journal of pictures because I've started taking more pictures lately but my camera broke yesterday T_T;; An excuse to get a better camera =D Anyways after that we went to Atlantic Buffet and ate till our stomachs practically exploded and when it came time to read our fortune cookies everyone kept adding "in bed" after every fortune that Glue just kept adding "in bed" to the end of everyone's sentences lol Wang went home after that and we drove out to Wisconsin to see the stars... Sounds a little far just for stars but actually it was only a 30 minute drive. We got to this place with cornfields as far as the eye could see and David pulled over, but he pulled over too far and ran into a ditch that was hidden by tall grass lol... We almost flipped over into the cornfield and that was freaking scary as hell. A fun experience though. Since I was in the passanger seat Crabby and Glue went out to push the car and they "went strong" lol Then after having enough of looking at the stars and freaking out everytime a car would come by we came back to Minnesota and went to Battle Creek Park for I don't know why. I fell asleep in the car on the drive back. It was maybe about 2AM when... I'm just going to call David Dafmer from now on because Glue's little niece kept calling him that lol... Well anyways Dafmer would make this really freaky "hyuk hyuk hyuk" laugh and so I said he should call Wang on a blocked number and do that laugh lol Wang listened for about 14 seconds then quietly hung up. It was a good laugh, but the next day he said he knew it was Dafmer.

Sunday... I think we went and got my bike because I'll be working night shifts now so I'll just bike home. I picked out this pink bike lol We went biking around Phalen Lake and I just about died going up the little hills... Right now my butt hurts like crazy because of the seat I don't even know how much longer I can take it. Just slightly sitting down on some hard surface makes me want to just get back up again and stand. Even sitting on carpet hurts lol... Oh and when everyone was leaving Glue and I were going to bike to Wang's, but before we went I asked Glue to get a guy's number for me lol... I said, "the guy in the hat is my angel!! I've seen him around Cub's before." So I went ahead and Glue asked for his number, but he got the wrong guy because now the other guy had the hat on LOL So I called and explained the situation, but my angel is actually 16 years old... Age is nothing, but a number in the end I guess, but the guy gave my number to his other brother who is 23 years old... He graduated from the U of M and as it turns out he says that he's seen me around on campus before. What a small world right? He's a pretty cool and down-to-earth kind of guy, or so it seems...

Today Wang, Glue and I went biking down Phalen Boulevourd, then to Swede Hollow where I splashed my back, and then to Mounds Park. I don't know how many times I died on the hills. Since we weren't that far from where my sister lived we came here and now I'm just waiting for Glue because he had to go with his mom somewhere. I think we're gonna head to Dafmer's, eat then off to work I go. Yay work...? I'm kind of scared to be honest :3

You know, I'm really glad that I have the friends that I do. Sometimes it makes me feel bad that I'm so mean and say really harsh things, but I don't know how to be any nicer than I am. I think I'll just try to find other ways to show my appreciation and how much I care about them.

Thought Trails

I want to feel alive all the time 24/7 always and forever from here on out. I want to see the world in the blink of an eye, within the whispers of a passing kiss. I want to feel the wonders of the world within the hold of a hand and become breathless from the burden of the beauty. I want to see the ends of the universe within a stranger's eyes. To be taught the meaning of life just by taking a breath when I've fallen into despair. I want to feel like I'm falling endlessly whenever I look to the sky. Some days I want my heart broken just to know that I'm alive. Some days I want to run out somewhere where no one will find me, where no one could reach me just to know how painful the distance really could be. All this in a day, someday, everyday.

*****

I participated in the Dragon Boat Festival here at Phalen in rowing a dragon boat. I'm so glad I didn't back out at the last second like I was originally planning. I only said yes in the first place because I was thinking of that Yes-Man movie haha~ But it was a fun experience, we got 12th place out of 22 I think.
That day my friend Crabby thought this one guy looked kinda cute so I went up to him and asked him in this order, if he had a girlfriend (no), if I could have his number for my friend (um this is unexpected), and for his name which I won't mention. After that David said that he looked like Blue, this guy he knew from high school whom, on our first meeting I'd asked him to flex for me because he looked really buff, and Crabby said he looked and had the same name as the guy her gay friend was trying to hit on. Turns out it was the same guy her friend was trying to hit on, and he's also Blue's younger brother. The world is so small.

I'm thinking of changing my work schedule from daytime to graveyard shifts. It's a little scary and intimidating because I don't know how my life is going to go with that change, but for now I guess I'll go with the flow. If my manager never contacts me about the change or it isn't possible then whatever. It's not totally necessary anyways. Though I do love working with the people who come in at night and it would leave my daytime open for holidays and stuff... Ah the pros and cons...

I feel bad I haven't put up any of my recent works... Well actually at this point and time it's not even recent anymore. I'd like to work on new drawings and stuff, but I've not been inspired to do anything at all as of late. Maybe I'm not as serious as I always thought I was.

magic carpet ride

um... in case no one noticed, the first line to my last entry was a link lol so yeah, if you didn't know, then it probably didn't make a whole lot of sense.

last week, my niece was falling asleep while eating a honey bun lol so i washed her hands, but she was swaying back and forth lolol so cute! then yesterday, she fell asleep on her eggroll lol!

i don't have my tablet for this week. i'm so sad )': i lent it to my friend, lue. i think he fell in love with it lol well, i'm glad bc he needs to get back into drawing.

oh this past weekend, on saturday i hung out with my friends... haven't hung out like that in such a long time. we uh... went to rosedale mall and i spent lots of munnies on lunchboxes for lan and me lol the lunchboxes... the little um bag for it, spoons and forks, chopsticks and those little straps to hold it together. oh crap i didn't take pictures yet lol well, i'll post them next time, maybe. they're so super cute! i also bought a chinese movie and some fingerless naruto gloves for lan. after that, lan and i went to the casino to eat and gamble~ i think overall we got back what we lost except for the buffet food. or something like that anyways. sunday i didn't do anything but work, though i went an hour late @_@;; i should stop being so late. ummmm and yesterday we went to the bar to celebrate his friend's birthday. the dood got so super drunk lol!

about art... i'll be doing some sprites for temptress-alora from dA. sounds fun and easy (: i might post up the drawings, if she allows. hopefully i'll have them done in two weeks. maybe i'll just download more event files instead of blogging so insanely long haha~

[this] was very interesting. i feel really sorry, how could this happen? how will this boy grow up? it's gotta be all that pollution...

accelerate

I should try to do things faster.
I tend to start something,
pause,
think about what I'm doing for 5 minutes,
then continue with what I was doing for a minute.
The process repeats itself.

I need to learn how to work faster.

Well, I finished one CG,
I hate the grass colours.
God, it's so ugly.
I love the girl's skin though.
Looks like it was rubbed raw.
The theme is innocence.
My interpretation of innocence.
Naked and pure.
There is no difference between right or wrong.
Before you start to learn.
Before you knew better.
Before you started to separate yourself
from nature.

I think I'll update with some photos as well.

Today, I heard a lot of footsteps.
So much more than lately.
It was so hard to go to sleep.
I went to bed at 6am,
woke at 9am,
and tried to sleep for another hour, but
I kept hearing those damned footsteps.
Or maybe it was doors opening and closing?

My back D'X

Ah... My back is killing me D': I was up till 3.50AM (not 4AM :D) trying to fix the art section of my webbie.
Well... It's finally up orz... after 4 more hours put into it today.
I can't stop my excitement though...

I'll be applying to art school.
First I must finish up my portfolio though :3

I'm getting more and more excited about my art.
I think I'm getting better, so I'm gonna try even harder to improve.
I just downloaded the openCanvas the other day, and I can't wait to test it out!
I'm gonna finish up the Bleach request for ludeshka I had promised her like a bajillion years ago ; o;