Trust

A facebook friend posted a really good status a few nights ago, "A relationship without trust is like a car with no gas. You can stay in it for as long as you like, but it isn't going anywhere."

A great analogy. My ex, Mono, and I didn't have any trust issues. Some things in my past may have bothered him, but they had nothing to do with him not being able to trust me. Actually, trust may have never even been a topic of discussion between us. I think it was just always there. I do believe that trust was never an issue in any of my relationships aside from my most recent relationship with Steve.

I like to think I'm a pretty good judge of character. I know how to pick and choose the good ones so trusting who I date has never crossed my mind. I think I always just trusted that they wouldn't go and cheat on me. Once they do, which they never have, that would be the end of it. I don't want to always have to worry that my lover is out with this or that person doing this or that. They can go hang out with their ex and drink if they so please, but I also expect that they would know enough to respect me and let me know when it might have any chance of bordering the conflict zone. Any man or woman of mine has to be that mature and considerate.

So, I see a lot of couples who get into these crazy arguments over jealousy, insecurities and secrets. I don't understand where they plan to go or how it even started. They stay together bc they say they love each other, but how long can they keep it up? Love can only take you so far, someday someone's going to give and sometimes love's just not enough. If you stay bc you believe if you love them enough eventually they'll come to value you just as much as you do them, I think you're risking a lot. I think you're just telling them that it's okay if they don't treat you right, you will continue to stay by them.

I know there can't be trust if there's no faith as well. I guess it takes a lot of both and a lot of communication.

I'm losing my train of thought since this entry has been written on and off for a day now... I could go on and on, but it's already dragging enough.

I'm going to do some yoga and pilates then go for a brisk walk with my buddy Vivi and hopefully catch some z's before hitting the liquor store with Dae today (:

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I'm confused again... I feel lost and alone. This person is me, isn't it? But, am I allowed to be me? If being me results in being alone, would I really want it? This situation will completely contradict who I am... Or who I thought I was. Am?

I realized something someone told me was true... At first I thought it was unnecessary for them to even think it, but in the end I got kinda hurt... And their words came back to me. He really only cared and saw past what I saw. And then that situation got me thinking about what another friend said to me that also applied... It's so weird, but I see what he was talking about now. Things make sense now...

I always thought I was a great listener... But, here I find I don't listen very well and I don't pay attention very well either. I seem to be so oblivious to so many things. Man, I got so much growing up to do.

I think I still don't know who my friends are. I think I still don't know who I can really trust and who I can really rely on. Wow I can't think, there's so much going on right now I can't even organize my freak'n thoughts.

I went up north to see the stars some nights ago with my secret lover. They were totally gorgeous and I was reminded of my childhood.