This past weekend I hadn't really done anything... I think on Saturday Lue and I went to Wang's and just hung out... I bought a webcam so that Wang could video call his girl. And yesterday :D I went on a date! I feel like a girl all over again. We ate at Pagoda in Dinky Town; good food. Just seeing him for that short amount of time is enough to calm the raging seas in me. I like the pace we're going at... Really slow, but I'm enjoying every single bit of it.
But... as I walked out I couldn't hear his heart break into a million pieces. I did not even see it, but for sure I could feel it. As I walked out happily to meet my date, I could feel his world slowly sinking into a dark abyss, void of life. I am hoping that someday soon, someone will save him. I can not be that person, because even if I do, he'll be left standing alone.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
7
Instead of needing you, I want to want to need you without actually needing you. Instead of tumbling down the hill like a boulder, I want to slowly take my time floating aimlessly, yet always forward like a feathery pappi. I want to slowly know all of you within the length of a lifetime. See all the crevices and cracks of your heart and soul. Mend the broken pieces and show you the sides you never knew existed. I want to draw out every single line that your heart should sing and sing it straight back to you as if it were my own in response. I want to feel your heart beat even as we stand miles away, miles apart. Don't you know you occupy a great amount of space in my heart and thoughts? Rent is high, but I don't have the heart to demand it of you nor the heart to kick you out. My heart is always longing to hear your voice, to see your face, even just to get a simple hello to know that I'd actually crossed your mind once this day. Honestly, you make me miserable, but as soon as you shed the slightest sliver of attention my way, spring begins to bloom once again in my soul. You make me so pathetic... I already see no victory at hand, how dare you?
Tell me to trust you and I shall.
Tell me to trust you and I shall.
Friday, August 14, 2009
6
I wish I'd stop being lazy and update my web page ): I think maybe this weekend I shall =D
Hmm... Let's see, what's been going on in my life... Well, this really close friend of mine... He's like the best person in the whole wide world. He's my sidekick that I always kick in the side for kicks. He's my Robin, my Harlequin, my Shiro. He's totally Shiro... You know, Shiro from TekkonKinkreet. It's such an awesome movie/manga. I myself much preferred the manga to the movie though. More details, as is always the case with books turned to movie. Anyways, my Shiro is like my brother... I feel like I treat him badly all the time... No, it's not like I feel that, I know it. I know I do. He sticks through it all though because he loves me. Not just any love, but the deeper kind of love. Can you imagine Batman falling in love with Robin? The Joker loving Harlequin? Kuro having more than just the brotherly-love feeling for Shiro? Haha... incest... Anyways, that's just through my eyes... I'm sure for him we play different roles. But yeah... That's my current situation, it's actually been going on a while, I just didn't know how to put it into words.
How do you let your best friend who is in love with you down gently? The situation is strange and overwhelming, but not sickening or irritating. I don't mind that he is in love with me, the only thing I do mind is that it hurts him so much. I've told him everything anyone would say as advice. I know it all because I myself would say the same thing if anyone asked for my help. This situation, though, has opened my eyes to what advice really is. Advice is just pure crap, it's bull shit. It's the corny shit that comes out of your mouth when you're trying to sound smart. Or whatever. I know what is going to come out of your mouth before you even think it, because when asked the same question, I would also be thinking the same thing.
So, now that I've learned this lesson, let's all just take a new stand, shall we? Let's put ourselves in the situation that is asking for advice. Let's imagine it as if it were us, you know, like think of your best friend. Imagine them in love with you. It doesn't matter if it turns into a gay/lesbian situation, it could happen. What would you do? You'd obviously say all that corny shit that people would give to you as advice. But, that doesn't help, now does it? It's like no one can help you and you're just stuck in the same place even after you've asked for help. Seriously, don't tell me something I already know. Don't tell me to say or do things that I've already said. I can think for myself. It's after saying all that, what do you do? You can tell someone to stop loving you as much as you want, but you can't move a heart. Nothing will ever be strong enough to move a heart. How do you deal with a situation like this? I've told him he should move on. There's nothing more between us and never will. I've even gone so far as to go on dates and talk with other guys and keep my buddy updated on my love life just to show him that I'm still moving on with my life at my pace even if it kills him a little inside. What I want is for him to move on and date around, get some girls and possibly some day fall in love with a really good girl. Hopefully she'll love him just as much, too.
Life's not that simple though. It's still complicated and he still hurts inside. I'm in the process of starting a budding relationship with someone new and it's hurting my little Shiro. I'm thinking, if I were my buddy, I would be hurt if the person I really loved just stopped talking to me... If they ignored me... You know, that would hurt. I know it hurts. That's why I'm not going to do it. Besides the fact that he's my little Shiro and I totally need him in my life. Right now I just talk to him about it when he's feeling really down. I'm treating him the way I've always treated him. I don't know... I don't know what to do anymore, I dont' even know if what I'm doing is right. I'm just doing what would help me get over a person, but the thing is he and I are not the same person. I really don't know what to do. It's so easy to say things when it's not you, but when you're stuck right in the middle of the drama you can't even see straight, you don't even know which way is straight. That's the beauty of life, ain't it wonderful?
On a different, but somewhat related note, how do I open up to my budding relationship partner? I've been scarred and now the thought of even opening up to him is like running out into the middle of a raging stampede. I really would love to, but to be honest I don't really know if I can trust him? I'm not sure what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but I feel as though he's a total flirt... or something o_o;; Well, if he says I can trust him and that he won't hurt me then I'll trust him. It's like wearing a white shirt with a target painted on your back in the middle of an archery practice range. I know. It's how I live my life and I'm still alive so I'm guessing it works. Haha I just don't want to regret anything and I kinda just want to live life with no restrictions. If the flood wants out, let's let it out. See how much damage it can cause (:
Hmm... Let's see, what's been going on in my life... Well, this really close friend of mine... He's like the best person in the whole wide world. He's my sidekick that I always kick in the side for kicks. He's my Robin, my Harlequin, my Shiro. He's totally Shiro... You know, Shiro from TekkonKinkreet. It's such an awesome movie/manga. I myself much preferred the manga to the movie though. More details, as is always the case with books turned to movie. Anyways, my Shiro is like my brother... I feel like I treat him badly all the time... No, it's not like I feel that, I know it. I know I do. He sticks through it all though because he loves me. Not just any love, but the deeper kind of love. Can you imagine Batman falling in love with Robin? The Joker loving Harlequin? Kuro having more than just the brotherly-love feeling for Shiro? Haha... incest... Anyways, that's just through my eyes... I'm sure for him we play different roles. But yeah... That's my current situation, it's actually been going on a while, I just didn't know how to put it into words.
How do you let your best friend who is in love with you down gently? The situation is strange and overwhelming, but not sickening or irritating. I don't mind that he is in love with me, the only thing I do mind is that it hurts him so much. I've told him everything anyone would say as advice. I know it all because I myself would say the same thing if anyone asked for my help. This situation, though, has opened my eyes to what advice really is. Advice is just pure crap, it's bull shit. It's the corny shit that comes out of your mouth when you're trying to sound smart. Or whatever. I know what is going to come out of your mouth before you even think it, because when asked the same question, I would also be thinking the same thing.
So, now that I've learned this lesson, let's all just take a new stand, shall we? Let's put ourselves in the situation that is asking for advice. Let's imagine it as if it were us, you know, like think of your best friend. Imagine them in love with you. It doesn't matter if it turns into a gay/lesbian situation, it could happen. What would you do? You'd obviously say all that corny shit that people would give to you as advice. But, that doesn't help, now does it? It's like no one can help you and you're just stuck in the same place even after you've asked for help. Seriously, don't tell me something I already know. Don't tell me to say or do things that I've already said. I can think for myself. It's after saying all that, what do you do? You can tell someone to stop loving you as much as you want, but you can't move a heart. Nothing will ever be strong enough to move a heart. How do you deal with a situation like this? I've told him he should move on. There's nothing more between us and never will. I've even gone so far as to go on dates and talk with other guys and keep my buddy updated on my love life just to show him that I'm still moving on with my life at my pace even if it kills him a little inside. What I want is for him to move on and date around, get some girls and possibly some day fall in love with a really good girl. Hopefully she'll love him just as much, too.
Life's not that simple though. It's still complicated and he still hurts inside. I'm in the process of starting a budding relationship with someone new and it's hurting my little Shiro. I'm thinking, if I were my buddy, I would be hurt if the person I really loved just stopped talking to me... If they ignored me... You know, that would hurt. I know it hurts. That's why I'm not going to do it. Besides the fact that he's my little Shiro and I totally need him in my life. Right now I just talk to him about it when he's feeling really down. I'm treating him the way I've always treated him. I don't know... I don't know what to do anymore, I dont' even know if what I'm doing is right. I'm just doing what would help me get over a person, but the thing is he and I are not the same person. I really don't know what to do. It's so easy to say things when it's not you, but when you're stuck right in the middle of the drama you can't even see straight, you don't even know which way is straight. That's the beauty of life, ain't it wonderful?
On a different, but somewhat related note, how do I open up to my budding relationship partner? I've been scarred and now the thought of even opening up to him is like running out into the middle of a raging stampede. I really would love to, but to be honest I don't really know if I can trust him? I'm not sure what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but I feel as though he's a total flirt... or something o_o;; Well, if he says I can trust him and that he won't hurt me then I'll trust him. It's like wearing a white shirt with a target painted on your back in the middle of an archery practice range. I know. It's how I live my life and I'm still alive so I'm guessing it works. Haha I just don't want to regret anything and I kinda just want to live life with no restrictions. If the flood wants out, let's let it out. See how much damage it can cause (:
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