17

Right now I'm at the University of Minnesota - Twin Cities campus. It's quite nostalgic to be sitting here in Folwell Hall waiting for someone to finish class. I used to sit in the same building, same floor waiting for Lan to finish up his Japanese class... Right now I'm waiting for David to finish his class. I took him to school cuz his car is broken. I'll be here till about 3pm or so. I'm happy because I got to see some people I haven't seen in a while, it brings back so many memories. I don't remember the classes I took, but I do of the people and just walking to and from classes. I remember the pointless things I did and the great amount of time I spent in the gameroom playing pool. Even though I feel that I wasted my time coming here for two years, it really wasn't a waste of time at all. I'm glad I came here and got to meet people and did the things I did.

I think I'm trying without really even trying or thinking about it, to let Shiji go. One day I just couldn't take it anymore so I started to ask and say things to him bluntly. One of the things was something about how he must not feel the same anymore or something which is why he's been putting off on seeing me. I told him I wished he'd just tell me straight up so we can stop with this crazy thing that's been driving me nuts. He responded with, "actually I'm still not over my ex." Arg stupid idiot. It hurts and that alone just destroyed the little trust I still had for him. What am I if he still has feelings for his ex? No matter what anyone says, I'm just a rebound to him. Even if it's not intentional, most people don't realize they're using someone as a rebound until the very end. And maybe I'm not a rebound, but I've never allowed myself to be #2 in anyone's heart. If I can't be #1 then I refuse to be anything at all. If I'm going to get involved with someone then I need to know for sure that their heart is mine and mine alone. I know it's selfish, but everyone deserves that much.

A few nights later he sends me this picture message of his ex. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I mean what the fuck does he expect from me? I know he regrets the things he did, the fact that he lost her and also that he didn't do anything to take her back. Actually, I don't know if he did anything at all to get her back, but he regrets a lot of things, especially about not doing anything or something like that. So I yelled at him and I got pretty pissed off. I told him he should go and take her back, try his hardest and fight for her. He was being passive and saying some shit like, "don't worry I'll get over it." I'm like, are you fucking serious? I really don't like people who whine and complain, regret and all that, but they do nothing to fix it. I mean, if it means anything to you at all then do something about it. If you're not going to do anything about it then stop complaining cuz it's just not important enough for you to take action. So I told him that I had no regrets about Meng because I did try my hardest to take him back. Even if in the end Meng lied to me and I didn't get him, I'm still happy that I was able to do my best. But, of course Shiji was being his passive self.

That night I told him I loved him, then I told him that I was going to let him go. It's painful enough for me and if I continue this stupid game with him then I'd only end up hurting myself. His response came about 30 minutes or more later and it was something like, "let me think about it first. I finished my paper. Nite." So. Fucking. Infuriating. And in any case, it's not like he can think about my decision, cuz it is MY decision and my choice to act on it or not. I feel so freaking retarded. Why'd I tell him I loved him? We've only known each other almost 2 months. Ridiculous. I don't ever want to utter those words to anyone ever again. But, because of that he started to text me more. Just to say hi and that he's going to work or something. He even invited me to dinner with him and his friends, but took me out to lunch instead. That was yesterday actually. And this isn't the first time something like this happened either. When he came back from Wisconsin he texted me asking me why I didn't call or text him and that he missed me. I didn't want to say I missed him cuz it would only make me feel it even more. So for three days I just didn't show any interest in him and he started giving me more attention. Why do people do that? It's like, if I want him to notice me I gotta be a jerk to him.

Yesterday when he took me out to lunch... He seems impatient. I always take a long time to get ready and he kinda just called me out of the blue at around noon. I was still in bed so yeah... He ended up waiting about 15 minutes in the parking lot for me... And he seems so distant too. He talked way more to his phone than he did to me, though he was only texting. Ugh I feel depressed around him. So distant too. I'm trying not to think about it. It's best not to think about it. I might go see him in a bit bc he does go to school here... What for? I don't know. I don't freaking know.

Oh but yesterday Vue also took me out. I guess we had dinner together?? He took me to the mall because I said I wanted to buy some new shoes and he needed to get a backpack since he's tired of carrying his laptop case around. It was nice seeing him. He's amusing and I never get tired of looking at his face. Haha.

16

I'm getting somewhere closer to where I really want to be. Somehow I think I'll manage if I try just a little bit harder. It's so hard and lonesome though, but I know I got some great friends. Sadly Glue and I don't talk anymore, I don't talk to Wang much anymore either. Lately it's been me and David. This past week we went to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and Surrogates with some friends. We played tennis in the dark and hide & seek at Battle Creek as well. It's been fun and random. Oh and I got to hang out with Mong and Bobby too (: I think I'll try to find more things to do with my time instead of sleeping in so much. I've been getting up at around 3 or 4 in the afternoon, going to work and staying up till 6 or 7 depending on when I get off of work. Life's stressful and I got some problems that I gotta take care of... Hopefully they don't become too serious ; o;

About Shiji I'm not sure what to do, I'm confused and lost about this as well. He never talks to me so I never know what I'm doing or where I'm supposed to go with this. He still thinks about his last girl, but says I'm not a rebound... I guess I'll believe in him. I think even if I did get hurt in the end I won't regret it. Maybe I'll just regret on passing up on the few good guys I did get to meet because I'm so crazy over Shiji.

Ugh and that creep Romee texted me around last week for late night sex, then the next night for money T_T;; Of course I said no to the first one, but the second he needed gas money and his credit card wasn't working... I was at work so I told him to call his friends instead and he said to me, "thanks friend" fjdksal;fjdsa;lfjdas I felt soooo bad ; o; I think if I wasn't working I'd have gone to help him ):

15

It's funny how the everyday ordinary things are linked with memories. For example, scent. The smell of Axe reminds me of my ex Sao. Music, anything by Bump of Chicken reminds me of Andri Tei who is currently located in Singapore. Playing pool reminds me of Mong and Tenzin. When it rains, I think back to my childhood when I would sit by the window and just smell the rain and get sleepy. The smell of alcohol on a person's breath reminds me of the bar Malina's or when Lan got drunk at Lucky's house.

Time flies by way too fast, sometimes I don't even know what I did. I want to appreciate every moment more. If I can't remember simple things then doesn't that mean I didn't live at all?

I'm a little nervous, tonight I work till 6 in the AM.

Shiji shiji shiji shiji... It's a lonely world with you in my heart. I feel like my existence is never remembered. Like the thought of me never crosses his mind.

"Seems like he's just taking advantage of you since he knows you'll always be there waiting."
"If you were worth his time, even if he was busy, he'd try you know?"
"It's either he doesn't care about you enough or that he knows that he can get you hooked on him even after leaving you alone for so long."
"The things he does is what I'd do to girls I don't care about."

I'm so tired of waiting around... I've got to fill up my time, to pass the time, to get my mind off of him... I've got more important things to worry about anyways, but when I'm not doing anything productive all I think about is him.

I need to keep myself busy.

14

Lately, I've been thinking...
I should call my mom in Cali...
I should reply to my cousin's message...
I should be more honest about my feelings...
Should be more honest about my thoughts.

I've been thinking
I want to get a new camera to start taking pictures again
I want to be outside as the sun comes up, the light is brighter and more refreshing
I should start drawing seriously again
I should start writing a story
I should work on my resume
I need a new wardrobe
I need to replace the sneakers I've lost somewhere :I
I need to finish cleaning out my apartment
My midomi needs a new song
My dA should be deleted and I should focus on my webpage
I should make a new layout for my webpage

There's a lot of things I should do... Lots of things on my mind... But I don't know where to start so I'm just slowly doing what is at my feet first... Which is cleaning out my apartment. I saw two flies flying around... Why are they so much harder to kill when they're babies?!