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My dad's been calling me lately... Out of the blue talking about things that I really don't need to hear right now. He doesn't believe me when I say I work at night, or he probably thinks I get off at 10 or something. He thinks I go out till 5 in the AM drinking and partying. He thinks I don't want to get my life straight. He says he'd help me if I were a good person and hung out with a good crowd. He wants me to find a good man and settle down with a family if I'm not going to go to school. He says he's saying this all out of love and I can hate him all I want.

It's not like I don't know. It's not like I don't want to. And I definitely don't hate him for all that he's saying. I know it's all out of love and I don't mind. I'll listen. But it's not to say that I don't hurt from this. My dad doesn't know me, doesn't know that I am a good person, doesn't know that my friends are good people, doesn't know how badly I want to go back to school, doesn't know that I do want more out of life and that I am trying my hardest. He doesn't know how stressful it is for me. He doesn't seem to know that I hurt a lot from not having him to lean on...

I know life would have been easier if I had both my parents. If my family hadn't broken apart so long ago, I think I would have turned out quite normal and happy. But that's not my reality, and that's not how things are. Things are hard and strange and so very confusing. I really don't know who I can rely on and I don't know who I can talk to about these things. My father doesn't understand me even when I try to explain myself, my mother was never there and I never established much of a relationship with her, my sister has her own family to take care of, my brothers are young and innocent, my best friend has his own feelings and life problems to sort through, and the last person I'd want to run to is the guy of my affections...

Where I'm standing now, it's so lonely and scary. I can see what I have to do, where I have to go, but I don't see a method of getting there. In this situation I think I would say something like, "Just take a step, take a leap, take a chance." But really, I feel like I'm stranded on a driftwood not knowing how to swim or where to go with no land in sight. The skies are gray and cloudy, there is no sunlight and for miles and miles I can hear the silence that reminds me that I am truly alone. Honestly, I feel like I'm just going in circles.

There is one person I can ask for help, though. Even if he can't pull through, he tries his best and does what he can. Unfortunately, he should be the last person I ask for help from. I've wronged him and yet he's still willing to help me. Knowing this I feel just slightly better, yet also sadder. I really want to make it up to him someday. I think without needing to say much, he might just understand how much my feelings are in turmoil.

I could sigh all day... I could cry my eyes out... I could just scream in anguish and punch the walls till my hands are a bloody mess... But I won't. Instead, I think I'll sleep because I feel so drained now.