17

Right now I'm at the University of Minnesota - Twin Cities campus. It's quite nostalgic to be sitting here in Folwell Hall waiting for someone to finish class. I used to sit in the same building, same floor waiting for Lan to finish up his Japanese class... Right now I'm waiting for David to finish his class. I took him to school cuz his car is broken. I'll be here till about 3pm or so. I'm happy because I got to see some people I haven't seen in a while, it brings back so many memories. I don't remember the classes I took, but I do of the people and just walking to and from classes. I remember the pointless things I did and the great amount of time I spent in the gameroom playing pool. Even though I feel that I wasted my time coming here for two years, it really wasn't a waste of time at all. I'm glad I came here and got to meet people and did the things I did.

I think I'm trying without really even trying or thinking about it, to let Shiji go. One day I just couldn't take it anymore so I started to ask and say things to him bluntly. One of the things was something about how he must not feel the same anymore or something which is why he's been putting off on seeing me. I told him I wished he'd just tell me straight up so we can stop with this crazy thing that's been driving me nuts. He responded with, "actually I'm still not over my ex." Arg stupid idiot. It hurts and that alone just destroyed the little trust I still had for him. What am I if he still has feelings for his ex? No matter what anyone says, I'm just a rebound to him. Even if it's not intentional, most people don't realize they're using someone as a rebound until the very end. And maybe I'm not a rebound, but I've never allowed myself to be #2 in anyone's heart. If I can't be #1 then I refuse to be anything at all. If I'm going to get involved with someone then I need to know for sure that their heart is mine and mine alone. I know it's selfish, but everyone deserves that much.

A few nights later he sends me this picture message of his ex. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I mean what the fuck does he expect from me? I know he regrets the things he did, the fact that he lost her and also that he didn't do anything to take her back. Actually, I don't know if he did anything at all to get her back, but he regrets a lot of things, especially about not doing anything or something like that. So I yelled at him and I got pretty pissed off. I told him he should go and take her back, try his hardest and fight for her. He was being passive and saying some shit like, "don't worry I'll get over it." I'm like, are you fucking serious? I really don't like people who whine and complain, regret and all that, but they do nothing to fix it. I mean, if it means anything to you at all then do something about it. If you're not going to do anything about it then stop complaining cuz it's just not important enough for you to take action. So I told him that I had no regrets about Meng because I did try my hardest to take him back. Even if in the end Meng lied to me and I didn't get him, I'm still happy that I was able to do my best. But, of course Shiji was being his passive self.

That night I told him I loved him, then I told him that I was going to let him go. It's painful enough for me and if I continue this stupid game with him then I'd only end up hurting myself. His response came about 30 minutes or more later and it was something like, "let me think about it first. I finished my paper. Nite." So. Fucking. Infuriating. And in any case, it's not like he can think about my decision, cuz it is MY decision and my choice to act on it or not. I feel so freaking retarded. Why'd I tell him I loved him? We've only known each other almost 2 months. Ridiculous. I don't ever want to utter those words to anyone ever again. But, because of that he started to text me more. Just to say hi and that he's going to work or something. He even invited me to dinner with him and his friends, but took me out to lunch instead. That was yesterday actually. And this isn't the first time something like this happened either. When he came back from Wisconsin he texted me asking me why I didn't call or text him and that he missed me. I didn't want to say I missed him cuz it would only make me feel it even more. So for three days I just didn't show any interest in him and he started giving me more attention. Why do people do that? It's like, if I want him to notice me I gotta be a jerk to him.

Yesterday when he took me out to lunch... He seems impatient. I always take a long time to get ready and he kinda just called me out of the blue at around noon. I was still in bed so yeah... He ended up waiting about 15 minutes in the parking lot for me... And he seems so distant too. He talked way more to his phone than he did to me, though he was only texting. Ugh I feel depressed around him. So distant too. I'm trying not to think about it. It's best not to think about it. I might go see him in a bit bc he does go to school here... What for? I don't know. I don't freaking know.

Oh but yesterday Vue also took me out. I guess we had dinner together?? He took me to the mall because I said I wanted to buy some new shoes and he needed to get a backpack since he's tired of carrying his laptop case around. It was nice seeing him. He's amusing and I never get tired of looking at his face. Haha.