19

I think I've gotten myself into another mess. I'm secretly dating someone I shouldn't be dating. Because of cultural rules, our relationship would never be approved. The chances of it ending in ruins is so high it's ridiculous. I suppose we ourselves see the end, but still cling on to what we already have. I've actually known him for two years now and I never thought I'd ever fall for someone I'd known for a while already. It's a great new experience for me and I'm loving every bit of it. I'm not exactly head-over-heels for him like I normally was for previous boyfriends, but that's okay because I really do want to take my time falling for him. I want to take my time experiencing all the feelings that he will give me.

I'm the type who would willingly be outcasted if it meant being able to hold onto something I really believed in; I am selfish like that. I rebel against my parents and I can walk away if I'm disowned. I have no problem with arguing and talking back. I am that kind of child. I'm inconsiderate and stubborn. I'm a fool. He, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He loves his parents and listens to them. He's a good boy who puts others first. He's the type who would sacrifice his happiness to keep the peace... So I know, or at least have a pretty good idea of where I stand and what might happen should his parents find out about us.

It's heartbreaking, but there's nothing wrong with whatever decision he will end up making. Even after knowing all this I still want to walk forward. I want to take everything I can from this relationship. Nothing is definite and the future is so unsure, but for sure I know I'm happy and content just being with him now. It's enough to just be on the phone with him even if neither of us is talking. It's enough to just know that he misses me, too. I like listening to his voice when he talks, when he sings, and I especially love his laugh. It's even more charming when he's really surprised or amused. I love his chinky eyes and he's unbearably cute when he gets really into whatever he's talking about or doing and when he struggles with explaining something. He's normally so mature and chill, but sometimes there's this kid in him that comes out and I just want to take him home with me and never let him go.

But... I also worry about how all of this will affect him. Do I just willingly let him get hurt, too? It's so... hard. It's complicated. Ugh I don't know what to do about it. And how hard is it going to be on us if we break up, but still stay friends? I'd always want to be with him...

I can't think anymore.