21

Omg, I feel so bad ]: I was supposed to be at my sister's today before 7AM, but I woke up at 7.26AM so my brother-in-law had to stay until I got here and he had an interview at 8.20AM. I got here at 8.10AM )': Feel so bad... I'll have to apologize when he gets back. I actually didn't get to sleep till about 5.30 this morning which is why I missed the 20+ calls I got.

;sigh... You know, I think couples who can stay together for a long time, even when they've reached their limits, can still persevere and love each other are simply amazing... I wonder what it takes to have that kind of dedication? I wonder why I can't, or more like haven't been able to, do that? Maybe it's because of the way I think, the way I see life... Love? I truly do believe that finding love amongst genuine people isn't very hard, the only thing is the compatibility. Individuals have unique colours and when meeting others, the colours mix to create either something beautiful, decent, or hideous. And I believe everyone deserves the best... So maybe every time I've felt like the colours have run dry... I just gave up and started searching for something new? Or is it that after a while I just started seeing their true colours and didn't like what I saw? Or maybe I just refuse to change my colours for them... I don't want to settle for anything less than the best and I really don't think anyone else should either. Honestly, I've loved and still do love the men who I've shown my weakest side to, but maybe... Just maybe, their presence just wasn't big enough for me to not be able to let go, for me to not be able to forget. I'm probably one of the stubbornest people I know and I wish it wasn't so because it actually causes a lot of pain for those around me, but maybe someday, someone out there will be overwhelming enough for me to just completely forget and lose myself. Maybe someday, someone out there will be able to affect me so greatly, but so subtly that I won't even put up a fight. That might actually require someone with a really strong and flexible will... Or, I'm just thinking too much... But, I'm sure that someone like that exists somewhere... Someone who would have left the greatest imprint on my life. Or maybe it's not even that, maybe it's just that I need to try harder, or that I need to give in sometimes. Um... I wonder if I've ever really compromised before? Oh man, it would be really depressing if the answer is no. Hmmm... To life's questions, you never really get an answer, but I think I'll try to find my own. This is a work in progress.

One thing that can automatically make me sad is when someone doesn't believe in me. Well, only if that someone means anything to me at all, and there's not a whole lot of people who actually mean anything to me, but no one will ever know for sure who they are. I seem to have forgotten to work on my flaws... I know I hardly come through with what I say I'm going to do, but it'd be nice if people could continuously believe in me and keep on cheering me on ): I think in the end all I really want in life is just to have someone or some group of people that I can really talk to. The fancy things in life just doesn't matter if there's no one who can care for and accept you for who you are. Even amongst the closest people to my heart, I'm finding that really hard to find, maybe I can't even find it... But, I won't try to find a definite answer because it would just be sad if it actually didn't exist. Hmmm... But, if it doesn't exist, that's not to say that someday it couldn't exist...

I wonder... What does it take to fully understand an individual... I don't think it's that hard, it's all a matter of whether you can accept them or not and how open you are. Wow, my dark chocolate is so good... Anyways, I know humans are very complex... We're all always continuously changing, too... So, wouldn't that mean that no matter how much you know a person... You'll never always know them? Even when you think you're finally close to cracking the code, it's already changed right under your nose. Oh, but I suppose that's what makes life fun, right? Because we're all continuously changing, you'll never really know... Nothing is ever definite... And the answers you seek will always be changing as well... So... There's no point in creating the person that I am because that person will change again... Or I mean... I'm not drawn in pen, but pencil. Oh my god this dark chocolate tastes even better than it did yesterday... Hmmm it's so fascinating though... If I see things this way... I wonder how I'll see others around me now? Life and people are so strangely complex. How amusing indeed...

You know... I wonder when I started seeing him as a man? Actually, I think it's when I saw him again for the first time in such a long time. I was actually surprised that he was taller than me haha! But, that made me notice how... dominant he was? Wait, that sounds so weird lol... I don't know how to explain it. I think I always saw him as maybe... a brother? Well, maybe just a person I knew and liked hanging out with... And then when I started seeing him as a man, I don't think I even noticed, but, I suppose, eventually it became something that I couldn't just overlook anymore. How weird... To put these thoughts into words, it makes me feel a little different.

Hmmm so sleepy... All this thinking and chocolate is making me soooo sleepy...