i suppose this is goodbye...

and I'd hope it's not forever... I'm going crazy here... Do you know?

Remember when we would walk the parks and trails at night? I wonder how cold it was at those times? It didn't seem to bother me at all back then, especially when I had your hand to hold. Do you remember when we used to play Facebook games? I got addicted, but you couldn't play them enough for me lol...

Do you remember time standing still? Yet it moved and passed us by so fast...

I don't regret this adventure...

I do regret losing you.

so here i am again, wondering...

Wondering how the men in my past are doing... How they fare in this cruel world... Once in a while I'll see one of my exes with his new girlfriend and I'm happy that they've moved past "us". Of course every once in a while, I'll feel that small twinge of "jealousy" or "pain", but maybe it's just that feeling of reminiscing something that once meant so much. Most of them ended on a bad note, mostly at my fault, but I hope someday they see the bigger picture and can just sum me up to experience for something bigger and better out there for them. I don't want any ill will between them and I, but it seems not everyone can be so forgiving. In any case, I do wish them well and a prosperous life.

As for me, have I finally found my happiness? Well, I have, but  at what cost? I can't say I ever knew what I wanted exactly, but I always knew what I didn't want when I found it. For example, the men I've dated. We all have our flaws and there is no such thing as a universal perfection, but to each individual, we have our own definition of perfection. They were all great "experiences" for me to find what I didn't want... Or they showed me that I still had something to search for.

Everyone wants something different out of the person they choose to spend forever with. For me, all I want is someone who will understand me thoroughly and hear me. Not just hear the things I'm saying, but also the things I'm not saying. Humans are like forever changing labyrinths and all I'm asking for is someone who would willingly navigate those halls till the very end. I know, not everything can be understood, but there's bound to be someone out there who will reach out further than the rest.

And there was such a person.

He showed me passages in me I never knew existed... He showed me things I had overlooked. He knew me beyond myself and it was just utterly amazing and such a beautiful thing. I can only hope that I had done the same for him. He is the bar, and the bar is oh-so-very high.

But he's unattainable.

You know, like one of those "forbidden love" stories kind of deal, except this story's not going to have a happy ending... Or so it seems. I don't know. I wish it did.

Why do we take the important things in life for granted until we finally lose them? Why don't we ever see how much it really means to us? Wouldn't it save us the heartache if we could just be thankful for what we have?

Sorry the bar is so high... I feel I've hurt a lot of men in my life and I'm only 22-years-old. Is that normal? I don't mean to... I really don't, but I can't help it if they couldn't keep me happy. I am not even asking for much...

No matter how much I've learned from my past experiences and how cautious I am trying to be, I can't help but hurt people.

Or maybe I'm not trying...

the flow of time

so much has happened and changed since i last posted. the saddest part of it all is that my life keeps moving forward before i can even finish adjusting. i'm not sure if the path my life has started to embark on is even in the direction i wanna go... i suppose we'll see how it ends.

It's not fair that you can move so freely in and out of my life, while I am chained to the ground. It's not fair that I am always hurt. I bet you don't even think about me or how I feel.

life isn't on our sides

It's so easy to put no value in anything, and so hard to value just one thing. You've got more to lose when you care, so why care at all? Because we're lonely and wish to be valued as well.

It's easy for me to be discouraged and forget to look to the sky. Even though I believe happiness never ends, I don't believe happiness is attainable anymore. I don't believe in, "I don't know", because deep inside we know, we're just in denial or don't want to admit to things.

I am nothing, but flesh and bones that will one day become one with the earth. Nothing special when you think about it. We're no better than the trees we cut down and the animals we kill. There is no purpose, no reason to wonder.

I'm just waiting for an ending...

I had the greatest best friend

I had this whole speech ready to go, and now that I'm sitting in front of the laptop, I can't remember it anymore.

I once had the greatest best friend.

it rained abruptly

Last night, as I headed out to my car, the air was damp and smelled like spring. Right before I got off work, it started pouring like crazy after some loud thunder. I think it's safe to say, it's finally spring.

Nothing much has been happening lately... I've been contemplating on whether I should cut my hair or leave it long... I want to style it into something of a faux hawk, which I can do with long & short hair, but it's kinda hard with medium hair. This weekend i'm going to go out with some girls to celebrate a coworker's, another girl's and my birthdays together. I'm really excited and nervous at the same time. I want to do my hair in a faux hawk, but idk if it'll be successful. I guess I can try at home today...

Recently, at work there's been this lady trying to scam us. I was actually the one who screwed up, and I knew something was fishy. In any case, the day after my blunder, there were warnings about her so everyone knew. I guess they started carrying their business to another store close by..

29

Honestly, I just don't know what I should put as the title on my blog entries and so I just put in numbers... Still debating whether I should keep that up or not, maybe I'll start putting up something relevant to the entry... Try not deciding till I've written the entry out already.
Well, recently I went to see Shutter Island. Really good watch, I love how unstable the human mind can be, yet at the same time, so powerful. The movie reminded me of how great an actor Leonardo is.I am anticipating his other new movie as well, though I've forgotten what it's called... Something to do with a little girl's mind creating/re-creating worlds??

Update via sms!

Dang I haven't blogged in forever so I can't even remember what i've been up to... Right now i'm sitting in the parking lot at Dae's place waiting for something to do. My phone is at 2/5 bars & i'm not gonna be home till past 1 tonight! Hopefully I can charge my phone in the car enough to last me the night. Anyways, recently I went clubbing twice at Epic. It was alright, last time was hella dirty! I guess the girls might wanna go again for Ka & my birthdays, but idk i'm def not looking forward to it. Yesterday I went shopping at the mall & got some undies & bras from victoria's secret, then some tanks, a shirt & a vest from charlette russe. Total I spent that day was about under $100 & to top it off I got treated out to some yummy pho! Soon I wanna go fish&grill, swim & maybe valley fair... Maybe take a trip to the MOA also... There's small talk of camping as well! I'm excited, this summer I wanna tire myself out! Recently, i've been thinking about getting a ds lol would totally help pass the time awake. I mean right now i'm getting sleepy already. Oh! I bought glasses, they should be arriving this saturday I believe! Excited! Now I don't have to worry about things irritating my eyes under my contacts. But, i'm all out of things to write now, so until next time!

28

You know, secretly I dread "catching up" with people. Why? Because I believe I am a social misfit. Yeah, it's that simple. I don't know what the hell is going on in a conversation most of the time ): I also don't know what people are interested in and I'm also scared I won't be able to relate to people AT ALL. Sadly, I can totally see myself becoming a recluse/hermit and, you know, I can not stand being alone. Yes, I am complicated and contradicting. I don't know what to do ):

I bought this lip stain from Target maybe about a week ago... It's the Pixi Lip Stain...

 Water lip stain? I don't know how to use it apparently :I My first attempt was in the dark, in a moving car LOL The colour ended up being really deep, which imo, doesn't suit me well. My second attempt I made the mistake of swiping it on slowly and then going over my upper lip before going back to fix the first swipe. It leaked down my lips and onto my skin LOL So not a pretty sight. Also, it was still too dark. My third attempt was a little better, but I think I'll have to apply with something other than the brush. Maybe a Q-tip? Also I swiped some on my cheeks, but this is my first stain EVER, so I didn't know how to do that either. I drew some swirlies on my cheek and then tried to rub them in, but it dries so quickly you could totally see the swirls. Then I tried to douse it with water, which kind of blended it in... Ah maybe I'll just have to experiment a little more with it ):

Um... Yesterday I had some taco-flavoured baked chicken, salisbury steak, baked potato with a shit load of sour cream and STICKY rice! yay :D I felt so fat after eating all that (:

 

You know, I was also thinking of making some kimchi! It looks fun and somewhat easy... And it looks like it would make for a fun party... Kimchi-making party haha Idk, we shall see.

I'm also thinking about reverting back to glasses. I think I look better with glasses since they hide my dark circles (: I like the thick framed ones, there was a pair that made me look like a really plain girl, but I think it's cute. They made my ex so mad he threw them on the floor LOL Yeah. My thoughts and day before. 

 

27

Not much to say this night. I didn't do much but go through a few beauty blogs. I found The All Natural Face which looks interesting... I might order some things from there after looking up more reviews. The first review I read on it stated that the makeup disappears throughout the day :/ Well, it's not a big deal I suppose since I don't go out much haha~ Oh and also there are some nice, cheap lashes from Day Beauty!! I'm gonna try a few of them, too.

Didn't do much today. Went to Wal-Mart, which I do not like, for some cleaning supplies. Had to go there because my companion wanted to avoid someone from Target haha But I'll post two screenshots of WIPs I'm working on right now... Slowly... The first is of Panward Hemmanee, she is a Thai actress/model. She was the main girl from the movie Bangkok Dangerous with Nicholas Cage. The picture I have of her looks really different though. Doesn't look much like her imo. The second one is of a girl in Hmong clothes (: Going back to my roots<3

Lately I've been feeling a bit more inspired, so maybe I'll finish a piece that I'll like enough to post up. I'm also thinking of shutting down my deviantArt page. I've also lost interest in it. Not sure yet. Ugh and I am having a hard time with someone on there... I'm sure it's not their fault, but I ordered something from a year ago from them and still have never received it. I wrote them a few notes recently, but they never replied. Finally, I wrote somewhat of a nasty note stating for them to just keep the money. I'm not going to bother with it anymore. But, in such a situation, what do you do? It happened once before with someone from Canada. I bought some stationary from her and I never received the items. It actually took her maybe 3 tries before I finally got it. Aside from that, I've ordered other things from about 3 other artists on there 4 times and there were no complications. It kinda makes me feel a bit iffy about buying things online ):

26

Firstly, I've had Ayame shut down Orange Bunballs. I don't update it enough to keep it up, all I ever do is blog anyways, so this here is fine.

Saturday, I went to Yee's place for the second sushi party. We rolled sushi and watched Black Dynamite. Here's some pictures I took (: You can even see the Sushi Burrito Michael made.

Sammie's birthday is next Sunday, and she wanted to go to the nightclub, Epic, Saturday night so we went shopping Sunday afternoon for clothing. Unfortunately, I won't be able to go, because after shopping two hours at the mall, my head started hurting and the pain did not subside till around midnight and I had to call in to work ): Calling twice in one week probably isn't a good idea. Oh well, there's always next time. Here's some pictures of the clothes I tried on recently for that night. I didn't buy any of these except for the shorts.

After shopping, we went to this new Hmong Buffet that just opened down White Bear called, Rice Palace. I didn't like the food or the service ): It was pretty busy so we didn't get served drinks till after we sat down and were about to eat, and when I was ready for my second plate, there were no plates out. The food was okay... Typical Asian buffet plus a few Hmong dishes. I tried the nabvam, but it was kinda bland. Not sweet enough. I don't think I would eat there again. The place has seen many different buffets that closed in months due to insufficient business. We'll see how long this one opens. Considering the city of Saint Paul does have the largest Hmong community, it might stay open longer than the others.

During my previous shopping outing, I had these super good pretzel balls :9 I want to have them again the next time I go there.

 

And today I was going through some old photos and found some from a day almost 3 years ago... Better times for the four of us (: How nostalgic...

25

I wonder if I still want to go into art?? I feel like I've lost my way... I guess I want to go back to school... Meet new people and do something with my life... But, I'm not sure if I have what it takes to go to art school. I'm uninspired and have no perseverance. I guess I'm kinda scared too. I'm not sure I can get out of the loop that I tried so hard to stay out of.

Today I felt like a child again. Not because I did something childish, but because there was this feeling that came over me. Well, I still feel it... But, it is a familiar feeling. Maybe the best way I can describe it is waking from a nightmare while you have a fever?

24

I don't know what to say. I suppose... I feel like throwing up, I feel hungry and I feel all alone again. I wonder if I'm doing something wrong? Tragedy follows me everywhere.

Maybe I'm just crazy...

23

Let me just make it clear, one more time, how much I just ABSOLUTELY HATE my workplace :D It's got BS written all over it!! I have to deal with so many RETARDED people every single day that I work, it's as if these people don't know how to freak'n read or something!! Then, when I explain to them what the misunderstanding was, they stand there and stare at me! LOOK, I can't help it if you totally didn't read the coupon correctly! Not only that, but I didn't get paid AT ALL for one hour, and it was an hour of overtime, too. There was no mistake. My manager just decided to NOT pay me for it. I even wrote her a freak'n letter stating that I stayed till 6, wrote out a new T&A sheet and left it on the podium for her. I mean, the first one was written out by Thomas!! WTH?! The second one, she wrote out saying I only stayed till 5. FUCKEN BULL SHIT. She ASKED me to stay till 6!
And you know, I love my over-night co-workers... They're totally awesome. They do their job, and they do it right. I can't say the same for the day people though. It's not all of them, but quite a few of them or freak'n lazy as hell. And the funniest thing is, they seem to get the most hours. Someone tell me, what's wrong with this picture?!
I swear... I think I really might just transfer back to where I was trained at...


Ugh. Work is a really sore point in my life. If it weren't for the latter two, I think I'd enjoy my job SO MUCH more... I do remember a time when I actually loved working ]':


Oh and I got into a car accident. I think it was mainly my fault, but it did look like they were speeding, too. Nothing came out of it though, cuz I'm pretty sure they ran off... And I suppose it's okay, my bumper got scratched a little. No real big damage.