22

I'm confused again... I feel lost and alone. This person is me, isn't it? But, am I allowed to be me? If being me results in being alone, would I really want it? This situation will completely contradict who I am... Or who I thought I was. Am?

I realized something someone told me was true... At first I thought it was unnecessary for them to even think it, but in the end I got kinda hurt... And their words came back to me. He really only cared and saw past what I saw. And then that situation got me thinking about what another friend said to me that also applied... It's so weird, but I see what he was talking about now. Things make sense now...

I always thought I was a great listener... But, here I find I don't listen very well and I don't pay attention very well either. I seem to be so oblivious to so many things. Man, I got so much growing up to do.

I think I still don't know who my friends are. I think I still don't know who I can really trust and who I can really rely on. Wow I can't think, there's so much going on right now I can't even organize my freak'n thoughts.

I went up north to see the stars some nights ago with my secret lover. They were totally gorgeous and I was reminded of my childhood.

21

Omg, I feel so bad ]: I was supposed to be at my sister's today before 7AM, but I woke up at 7.26AM so my brother-in-law had to stay until I got here and he had an interview at 8.20AM. I got here at 8.10AM )': Feel so bad... I'll have to apologize when he gets back. I actually didn't get to sleep till about 5.30 this morning which is why I missed the 20+ calls I got.

;sigh... You know, I think couples who can stay together for a long time, even when they've reached their limits, can still persevere and love each other are simply amazing... I wonder what it takes to have that kind of dedication? I wonder why I can't, or more like haven't been able to, do that? Maybe it's because of the way I think, the way I see life... Love? I truly do believe that finding love amongst genuine people isn't very hard, the only thing is the compatibility. Individuals have unique colours and when meeting others, the colours mix to create either something beautiful, decent, or hideous. And I believe everyone deserves the best... So maybe every time I've felt like the colours have run dry... I just gave up and started searching for something new? Or is it that after a while I just started seeing their true colours and didn't like what I saw? Or maybe I just refuse to change my colours for them... I don't want to settle for anything less than the best and I really don't think anyone else should either. Honestly, I've loved and still do love the men who I've shown my weakest side to, but maybe... Just maybe, their presence just wasn't big enough for me to not be able to let go, for me to not be able to forget. I'm probably one of the stubbornest people I know and I wish it wasn't so because it actually causes a lot of pain for those around me, but maybe someday, someone out there will be overwhelming enough for me to just completely forget and lose myself. Maybe someday, someone out there will be able to affect me so greatly, but so subtly that I won't even put up a fight. That might actually require someone with a really strong and flexible will... Or, I'm just thinking too much... But, I'm sure that someone like that exists somewhere... Someone who would have left the greatest imprint on my life. Or maybe it's not even that, maybe it's just that I need to try harder, or that I need to give in sometimes. Um... I wonder if I've ever really compromised before? Oh man, it would be really depressing if the answer is no. Hmmm... To life's questions, you never really get an answer, but I think I'll try to find my own. This is a work in progress.

One thing that can automatically make me sad is when someone doesn't believe in me. Well, only if that someone means anything to me at all, and there's not a whole lot of people who actually mean anything to me, but no one will ever know for sure who they are. I seem to have forgotten to work on my flaws... I know I hardly come through with what I say I'm going to do, but it'd be nice if people could continuously believe in me and keep on cheering me on ): I think in the end all I really want in life is just to have someone or some group of people that I can really talk to. The fancy things in life just doesn't matter if there's no one who can care for and accept you for who you are. Even amongst the closest people to my heart, I'm finding that really hard to find, maybe I can't even find it... But, I won't try to find a definite answer because it would just be sad if it actually didn't exist. Hmmm... But, if it doesn't exist, that's not to say that someday it couldn't exist...

I wonder... What does it take to fully understand an individual... I don't think it's that hard, it's all a matter of whether you can accept them or not and how open you are. Wow, my dark chocolate is so good... Anyways, I know humans are very complex... We're all always continuously changing, too... So, wouldn't that mean that no matter how much you know a person... You'll never always know them? Even when you think you're finally close to cracking the code, it's already changed right under your nose. Oh, but I suppose that's what makes life fun, right? Because we're all continuously changing, you'll never really know... Nothing is ever definite... And the answers you seek will always be changing as well... So... There's no point in creating the person that I am because that person will change again... Or I mean... I'm not drawn in pen, but pencil. Oh my god this dark chocolate tastes even better than it did yesterday... Hmmm it's so fascinating though... If I see things this way... I wonder how I'll see others around me now? Life and people are so strangely complex. How amusing indeed...

You know... I wonder when I started seeing him as a man? Actually, I think it's when I saw him again for the first time in such a long time. I was actually surprised that he was taller than me haha! But, that made me notice how... dominant he was? Wait, that sounds so weird lol... I don't know how to explain it. I think I always saw him as maybe... a brother? Well, maybe just a person I knew and liked hanging out with... And then when I started seeing him as a man, I don't think I even noticed, but, I suppose, eventually it became something that I couldn't just overlook anymore. How weird... To put these thoughts into words, it makes me feel a little different.

Hmmm so sleepy... All this thinking and chocolate is making me soooo sleepy...

20

Sometimes when he's near it feels like waking up to a mellow cerulean blue sky filled with hints of azure and shades of green that turns into a blazing sky filled with oranges and pinks... He's like the smell of the dew in the morning grass or like the sound of distant passing cars on some quiet street. He is the warmth of autumn's setting sun and slowly, while I was unaware, it's become an infinite space... Almost as if I'm just floating in space, in that lonesome darkness, but I am completely aware of his presence.

I just can't get enough of him and I can't get a grasp at him. No matter how hard I try, I feel as though I can not touch his soul. What scares me is that this might be some passing infatuation for him, and someday I would have not even left a mark in his life. Before I know it, the little time we have together has already passed and I still have not satiated my appetite for him. It doesn't help that the more I get of him, the more I end up wanting. It just keeps on slowly growing and growing and I don't know what to do to stop it. I can't even seem to find the right words to describe how I really feel. It sounds all sad and depressing, and I must admit sometimes when I think too much it is, but for the most part I'm happy and just content. I don't think I could ask for more from him. I know very well how he feels because he continuously lets me know and he's brutally honest in such a gentle way. Sometimes all I need is just to gently run my fingers across his skin, gently burn kisses on his neck and shoulders and I can feel so deeply connected to him.

I still find it so strange how my feelings keep changing without my even realizing it. I can't even see the shifts, he's like a ninja exploring my heart!

I'm scared I won't be able to let go though since sometimes I don't even know how I'm going to react to things. I'm afraid he'll have become the very air I breathe. But, I shouldn't even be thinking about such things... I don't want to be sad while I'm with him, I don't want to waste the time I have with him on such feelings and things that I have little to no control over. How, I wonder, did things ever end up this way? Everything in life is so unsure and it's filled with twists and turns and you wind up somewhere you never thought you'd ever be. You find the greatest things in the simplest, most unexpected of places. The hardest things might actually be the easiest while doing the easiest thing might be the hardest thing to ever do. Sometimes I want to stand still and watch the world move around me, for just one day I want to watch the world pass me by with him by my side. All I need is just to hold his hand and I'd feel it wasn't wasted. As content as can be...

I think I'm depressed again. I've been sleeping a lot more lately. Or maybe it just seems that way because I actually haven't been sleeping a whole lot. My schedule is just so out of tune enough as it is already, and this whole week I'm babysitting which upsets the already messed up schedule of mine. I can't wait till next week... Back to sleeping till 3 in the PM. Right now I'm seriously considering moving in with my sister when she does buy a house. I didn't want to at first because it's her and her in-laws, I'd feel like an outsider intruding. It's not a good feeling, and I might feel even more lonelier. Or... I might feel better because I can't stand living alone. And in any case I could save a lot of money. I'd like to travel and ... put some plans into action [: But, that's only a huge maybe... Man, living alone is soooo hard. It's such a huge struggle, but I think I could be doing better... Well, I'm just starting out so taking one step at a time is fine, I think...?

Ah I would really love to go back to school too... With a new muse in my life I want to start drawing again, actually I have started drawing again... I'll post screen shots another time. It feels good to be drawing again though, and seriously I think I'm getting better... Or maybe I'm just feeling a little more confident about it now? Who knows, I like it [:

Ugh but work! Always a sore point in my life!! I seriously hope our new store director does something about the head CSM, preferably getting a new one! I swear, if the schedule could just be the same every week and just a little fixing here and there when people request time off, then it could seriously save everyone some trouble! I don't understand why it must be random every single week! It's almost illogical! Not only that, but I could go on and on about many many many more things that are wrong at my work place! I don't know what to do... Sometimes I feel like no one hears me argg... Or... I think most people treat me like a little kid ]: and as Thomas said, a blond! No!! NOOOO...

19

I think I've gotten myself into another mess. I'm secretly dating someone I shouldn't be dating. Because of cultural rules, our relationship would never be approved. The chances of it ending in ruins is so high it's ridiculous. I suppose we ourselves see the end, but still cling on to what we already have. I've actually known him for two years now and I never thought I'd ever fall for someone I'd known for a while already. It's a great new experience for me and I'm loving every bit of it. I'm not exactly head-over-heels for him like I normally was for previous boyfriends, but that's okay because I really do want to take my time falling for him. I want to take my time experiencing all the feelings that he will give me.

I'm the type who would willingly be outcasted if it meant being able to hold onto something I really believed in; I am selfish like that. I rebel against my parents and I can walk away if I'm disowned. I have no problem with arguing and talking back. I am that kind of child. I'm inconsiderate and stubborn. I'm a fool. He, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He loves his parents and listens to them. He's a good boy who puts others first. He's the type who would sacrifice his happiness to keep the peace... So I know, or at least have a pretty good idea of where I stand and what might happen should his parents find out about us.

It's heartbreaking, but there's nothing wrong with whatever decision he will end up making. Even after knowing all this I still want to walk forward. I want to take everything I can from this relationship. Nothing is definite and the future is so unsure, but for sure I know I'm happy and content just being with him now. It's enough to just be on the phone with him even if neither of us is talking. It's enough to just know that he misses me, too. I like listening to his voice when he talks, when he sings, and I especially love his laugh. It's even more charming when he's really surprised or amused. I love his chinky eyes and he's unbearably cute when he gets really into whatever he's talking about or doing and when he struggles with explaining something. He's normally so mature and chill, but sometimes there's this kid in him that comes out and I just want to take him home with me and never let him go.

But... I also worry about how all of this will affect him. Do I just willingly let him get hurt, too? It's so... hard. It's complicated. Ugh I don't know what to do about it. And how hard is it going to be on us if we break up, but still stay friends? I'd always want to be with him...

I can't think anymore.

18

This is the idiot that I am. I am an idiot.

I can say anything right now out of sadness or anger and I wouldn't follow through with it later, so I won't even waste my breath. I'll just turn to the next page, turn a new leaf and move on. I already know I'm strong enough to get over this.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I actually cried. Ugh so stupid!! Why?! Well, it felt good. I feel like a burden has been lifted off my chest. I feel somewhat good and somewhat sad and lonely. Conflicting. I had so much I wanted to give, but I guess I'll just smoke it out of my system.

I wonder if I could have done things differently? I wonder if maybe I didn't try my hardest. Would I look back and regret things later? But, reflecting on how things have happened, I don't think I was ever given the opportunity to maybe change the course that we've drifted upon now. I was always honest... Maybe that's the most I could have ever done. I gave him my heart and he did not accept it, I can only move on now.

If I could, I'd love to destroy all of those useless emotions in my heart though. Maybe with a sledge hammer. I don't ever want to feel like this again. I think I've had enough for the rest of the year haha. For the rest of my life.

17

Right now I'm at the University of Minnesota - Twin Cities campus. It's quite nostalgic to be sitting here in Folwell Hall waiting for someone to finish class. I used to sit in the same building, same floor waiting for Lan to finish up his Japanese class... Right now I'm waiting for David to finish his class. I took him to school cuz his car is broken. I'll be here till about 3pm or so. I'm happy because I got to see some people I haven't seen in a while, it brings back so many memories. I don't remember the classes I took, but I do of the people and just walking to and from classes. I remember the pointless things I did and the great amount of time I spent in the gameroom playing pool. Even though I feel that I wasted my time coming here for two years, it really wasn't a waste of time at all. I'm glad I came here and got to meet people and did the things I did.

I think I'm trying without really even trying or thinking about it, to let Shiji go. One day I just couldn't take it anymore so I started to ask and say things to him bluntly. One of the things was something about how he must not feel the same anymore or something which is why he's been putting off on seeing me. I told him I wished he'd just tell me straight up so we can stop with this crazy thing that's been driving me nuts. He responded with, "actually I'm still not over my ex." Arg stupid idiot. It hurts and that alone just destroyed the little trust I still had for him. What am I if he still has feelings for his ex? No matter what anyone says, I'm just a rebound to him. Even if it's not intentional, most people don't realize they're using someone as a rebound until the very end. And maybe I'm not a rebound, but I've never allowed myself to be #2 in anyone's heart. If I can't be #1 then I refuse to be anything at all. If I'm going to get involved with someone then I need to know for sure that their heart is mine and mine alone. I know it's selfish, but everyone deserves that much.

A few nights later he sends me this picture message of his ex. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I mean what the fuck does he expect from me? I know he regrets the things he did, the fact that he lost her and also that he didn't do anything to take her back. Actually, I don't know if he did anything at all to get her back, but he regrets a lot of things, especially about not doing anything or something like that. So I yelled at him and I got pretty pissed off. I told him he should go and take her back, try his hardest and fight for her. He was being passive and saying some shit like, "don't worry I'll get over it." I'm like, are you fucking serious? I really don't like people who whine and complain, regret and all that, but they do nothing to fix it. I mean, if it means anything to you at all then do something about it. If you're not going to do anything about it then stop complaining cuz it's just not important enough for you to take action. So I told him that I had no regrets about Meng because I did try my hardest to take him back. Even if in the end Meng lied to me and I didn't get him, I'm still happy that I was able to do my best. But, of course Shiji was being his passive self.

That night I told him I loved him, then I told him that I was going to let him go. It's painful enough for me and if I continue this stupid game with him then I'd only end up hurting myself. His response came about 30 minutes or more later and it was something like, "let me think about it first. I finished my paper. Nite." So. Fucking. Infuriating. And in any case, it's not like he can think about my decision, cuz it is MY decision and my choice to act on it or not. I feel so freaking retarded. Why'd I tell him I loved him? We've only known each other almost 2 months. Ridiculous. I don't ever want to utter those words to anyone ever again. But, because of that he started to text me more. Just to say hi and that he's going to work or something. He even invited me to dinner with him and his friends, but took me out to lunch instead. That was yesterday actually. And this isn't the first time something like this happened either. When he came back from Wisconsin he texted me asking me why I didn't call or text him and that he missed me. I didn't want to say I missed him cuz it would only make me feel it even more. So for three days I just didn't show any interest in him and he started giving me more attention. Why do people do that? It's like, if I want him to notice me I gotta be a jerk to him.

Yesterday when he took me out to lunch... He seems impatient. I always take a long time to get ready and he kinda just called me out of the blue at around noon. I was still in bed so yeah... He ended up waiting about 15 minutes in the parking lot for me... And he seems so distant too. He talked way more to his phone than he did to me, though he was only texting. Ugh I feel depressed around him. So distant too. I'm trying not to think about it. It's best not to think about it. I might go see him in a bit bc he does go to school here... What for? I don't know. I don't freaking know.

Oh but yesterday Vue also took me out. I guess we had dinner together?? He took me to the mall because I said I wanted to buy some new shoes and he needed to get a backpack since he's tired of carrying his laptop case around. It was nice seeing him. He's amusing and I never get tired of looking at his face. Haha.

16

I'm getting somewhere closer to where I really want to be. Somehow I think I'll manage if I try just a little bit harder. It's so hard and lonesome though, but I know I got some great friends. Sadly Glue and I don't talk anymore, I don't talk to Wang much anymore either. Lately it's been me and David. This past week we went to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and Surrogates with some friends. We played tennis in the dark and hide & seek at Battle Creek as well. It's been fun and random. Oh and I got to hang out with Mong and Bobby too (: I think I'll try to find more things to do with my time instead of sleeping in so much. I've been getting up at around 3 or 4 in the afternoon, going to work and staying up till 6 or 7 depending on when I get off of work. Life's stressful and I got some problems that I gotta take care of... Hopefully they don't become too serious ; o;

About Shiji I'm not sure what to do, I'm confused and lost about this as well. He never talks to me so I never know what I'm doing or where I'm supposed to go with this. He still thinks about his last girl, but says I'm not a rebound... I guess I'll believe in him. I think even if I did get hurt in the end I won't regret it. Maybe I'll just regret on passing up on the few good guys I did get to meet because I'm so crazy over Shiji.

Ugh and that creep Romee texted me around last week for late night sex, then the next night for money T_T;; Of course I said no to the first one, but the second he needed gas money and his credit card wasn't working... I was at work so I told him to call his friends instead and he said to me, "thanks friend" fjdksal;fjdsa;lfjdas I felt soooo bad ; o; I think if I wasn't working I'd have gone to help him ):

15

It's funny how the everyday ordinary things are linked with memories. For example, scent. The smell of Axe reminds me of my ex Sao. Music, anything by Bump of Chicken reminds me of Andri Tei who is currently located in Singapore. Playing pool reminds me of Mong and Tenzin. When it rains, I think back to my childhood when I would sit by the window and just smell the rain and get sleepy. The smell of alcohol on a person's breath reminds me of the bar Malina's or when Lan got drunk at Lucky's house.

Time flies by way too fast, sometimes I don't even know what I did. I want to appreciate every moment more. If I can't remember simple things then doesn't that mean I didn't live at all?

I'm a little nervous, tonight I work till 6 in the AM.

Shiji shiji shiji shiji... It's a lonely world with you in my heart. I feel like my existence is never remembered. Like the thought of me never crosses his mind.

"Seems like he's just taking advantage of you since he knows you'll always be there waiting."
"If you were worth his time, even if he was busy, he'd try you know?"
"It's either he doesn't care about you enough or that he knows that he can get you hooked on him even after leaving you alone for so long."
"The things he does is what I'd do to girls I don't care about."

I'm so tired of waiting around... I've got to fill up my time, to pass the time, to get my mind off of him... I've got more important things to worry about anyways, but when I'm not doing anything productive all I think about is him.

I need to keep myself busy.

14

Lately, I've been thinking...
I should call my mom in Cali...
I should reply to my cousin's message...
I should be more honest about my feelings...
Should be more honest about my thoughts.

I've been thinking
I want to get a new camera to start taking pictures again
I want to be outside as the sun comes up, the light is brighter and more refreshing
I should start drawing seriously again
I should start writing a story
I should work on my resume
I need a new wardrobe
I need to replace the sneakers I've lost somewhere :I
I need to finish cleaning out my apartment
My midomi needs a new song
My dA should be deleted and I should focus on my webpage
I should make a new layout for my webpage

There's a lot of things I should do... Lots of things on my mind... But I don't know where to start so I'm just slowly doing what is at my feet first... Which is cleaning out my apartment. I saw two flies flying around... Why are they so much harder to kill when they're babies?!

13

My dad's been calling me lately... Out of the blue talking about things that I really don't need to hear right now. He doesn't believe me when I say I work at night, or he probably thinks I get off at 10 or something. He thinks I go out till 5 in the AM drinking and partying. He thinks I don't want to get my life straight. He says he'd help me if I were a good person and hung out with a good crowd. He wants me to find a good man and settle down with a family if I'm not going to go to school. He says he's saying this all out of love and I can hate him all I want.

It's not like I don't know. It's not like I don't want to. And I definitely don't hate him for all that he's saying. I know it's all out of love and I don't mind. I'll listen. But it's not to say that I don't hurt from this. My dad doesn't know me, doesn't know that I am a good person, doesn't know that my friends are good people, doesn't know how badly I want to go back to school, doesn't know that I do want more out of life and that I am trying my hardest. He doesn't know how stressful it is for me. He doesn't seem to know that I hurt a lot from not having him to lean on...

I know life would have been easier if I had both my parents. If my family hadn't broken apart so long ago, I think I would have turned out quite normal and happy. But that's not my reality, and that's not how things are. Things are hard and strange and so very confusing. I really don't know who I can rely on and I don't know who I can talk to about these things. My father doesn't understand me even when I try to explain myself, my mother was never there and I never established much of a relationship with her, my sister has her own family to take care of, my brothers are young and innocent, my best friend has his own feelings and life problems to sort through, and the last person I'd want to run to is the guy of my affections...

Where I'm standing now, it's so lonely and scary. I can see what I have to do, where I have to go, but I don't see a method of getting there. In this situation I think I would say something like, "Just take a step, take a leap, take a chance." But really, I feel like I'm stranded on a driftwood not knowing how to swim or where to go with no land in sight. The skies are gray and cloudy, there is no sunlight and for miles and miles I can hear the silence that reminds me that I am truly alone. Honestly, I feel like I'm just going in circles.

There is one person I can ask for help, though. Even if he can't pull through, he tries his best and does what he can. Unfortunately, he should be the last person I ask for help from. I've wronged him and yet he's still willing to help me. Knowing this I feel just slightly better, yet also sadder. I really want to make it up to him someday. I think without needing to say much, he might just understand how much my feelings are in turmoil.

I could sigh all day... I could cry my eyes out... I could just scream in anguish and punch the walls till my hands are a bloody mess... But I won't. Instead, I think I'll sleep because I feel so drained now.

12

Um... Latest happenings? Yesterday my friends Wang, Wang's date, Lue and I went to see Inglorious Basterds. Brad Pitt was so funny (: There were a whole bunch of gory scenes, but very short so once the next scene started I pretty much didn't have time to think about it... Loved it and would love to see it again! After the movie I was over at Lue's place and we watched... The Grudge: The Old Woman in White. Watched about 30 minutes of it and couldn't take anymore lol... Just two scary scenes were enough for me to scream my head off. I"m waiting for David to get back from Missouri so we can all watch it together :D It'll be fun (:

Andrew from Venus on Fire asked me to design a CD for their album... I'm excited, but I gotta get it done by Wednesday. Haven't started yet, but I've got some ideas. I'll get going on it when I wake up. Oh, I'll start working on a new layout, too. I know I said I'd do it like last week... Or was it two weeks ago? Ahh... Old habits die hard!

I want to change a lot of things about me, the list could go on and on, but for now the most important things come first. I know I need to be a nicer person and treat my friends better than I do now. I need to be there for them like they're always there for me. I just need to be less selfish over all. Someday when I'm able to, I'd really love to spoil them.

I got to see Shiji (the guy I've been 'seeing') the other day :D I feel nervous around him, almost like a little school girl. I don't really like that feeling, but I suppose I just need to get used to him? He's funny though... Talks about funny things, I tend to laugh in my head listening. I like him (: I like this pace that we've been going at, but sometimes, just every now and then I want a little more... It's still too soon, but sometimes I really do just want a little bit more. At those times I suppose I ask for a little more and he does deliver, but I worry that I might be annoying him ):

Anyways, here's a new obsession for me:

11

This last Saturday was the Center for Hmong Arts and Talents (CHAT) Art Festival. My friends and I got there around 140pm so I missed Andi, who is the keyboardist for Venus on Fire. He had a wedding to go to so he was there for a few songs only I believe. I was able to catch the last song VoF performed though (: Some more notable performances that I can remember: The Dirty Darlings, The Hilltribe and A Day Forward. I'm seriously in love with these three :D Aside from the awesome performances by various bands, there were some really nice artworks up, too. I think there was more this year than the previous year, as well as more people who attended.

I met the singer, Tousue Vang, for A Day Forward at work, my coworker knew him and mistook my friend for him at the Dragon Boat Festival. He's a pretty cool guy and goes to MCAD, which is where I want to go to (: He's got some nice works up on his website too. I find them quite inspirational, probably because I know him in person... It's always more interesting when you can see the artist in person. At the festival, I also met one of the rappers for The Hilltribe, named Vong Lee. He's a pretty cool and down-to-earth kind of guy, or so it seems. It would be pretty cool if he could steer my brother on the right road in rapping lol... My youngest brother seems so foolish and childish, but I suppose these are phases you can't avoid growing up...

Other than these artists, I was also able to see a lot of people from the U I haven't seen in over a year. I totally miss them and kinda wanna go back to HMSA this coming year (: But the only problem is that I never really get involved, just slightly here and there... Who knows, we'll see. New people... I met this guy named Andrew Xiong who looks really familiar. He says he's seen me around almost all of the Hmong events or something haha... That's funny cuz I get so nervous around crowds...

Yesterday I was finally able to chat with the guy of my affections again. He apologized for not calling me like he said he would and everything was okay again (: He said he'd call me yesterday to hang out, but he didn't again. No big deal though because he sincerely means the things he says. This feeling is strange and new. I'm content without wanting and wanting more and more. Just a simple hello now and then and I'm happy. This feels good.

10

I miss him terribly.
It's getting kinda painful and lonely.
Why and how did I let myself get here again?
Waiting waiting I keep on waiting...

wo xiang ni

9

Two nights ago I worked till 3AM and it was raining. I couldn't bike home so I called Dafmer to come pick me up. While I was waiting outside I noticed someone had left a bag on my handlebars. Inside was this gorgeous card... Who else, but my best friend would leave something like this for me? I'm glad there's no hard feelings between us. We haven't talked in a few days now since I went out on that date...

And while I was waiting, I overheard some customers talking to this Hmong girl in a red sweater. I heard that she was going to walk all the way to Rice Street in that weather so I asked Dafmer if he would mind taking her even though we both didn't know her. She started walking before Dafmer got there, but we went looking for her and I told her to get in, we would take her. She wouldn't get in. She said she was fine, her boyfriend just beat her up, but she's fine. In disbelief I got out of the car and grabbed her sweater. I told her we weren't bad people, we would take her, we didn't mind. She just smiled and shook her head, she had her son to think about, she said her boyfriend was just at my work place and that the truck down the road was probably him. She didn't want us to get involved and told us to go before he saw us... I wanted to just push her into Dafmer's car. I wanted to save her, but how can I do that when I can't even help my own self? I don't even know her name, but I was so sad for her. So before I left I told her she should leave him if he's hitting her and to take care of herself. What meaningless words right? How many times has she heard those words before, I wonder... I'm just a stranger anyways, right? But I don't think I'll ever forget her. I hate myself for not being able to do anything for her. Why should I care anyways when I don't know her, right? Well I don't care if I'm being foolish. I care and that's that. These are my feelings and I can't do anything about it. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just didn't care, if I were more indifferent, but then I wouldn't be me anymore. Sometimes it's nice to just know that someone cares, I think. I hope she's doing well.

Let's see... We went to go see District 9 Monday night and there was this guy working there who really caught my eye. He had blond hair and couldn't stand still. He would snap his fingers, tell me lies and then tell me more lies on top of those lies then tell me the truth. I have to say he reminds me of jazz haha He's an interesting guy. Then a really super duper cute girl replaced him and I talked to her for a bit too (: After that I met my coworker's friend who's 17... My friends called me a cougar.

District 9 was awesome. Loved it. I'm sad Lan threw away the sticky poster I stole from the boy's bathroom a while ago ):

After the movie Dafmer and I went to Perkins. I had breakfast at midnight. There was a group of Hmong guys eating there too and one kept eyeing me and making faces at me lol... I thought he was Viet at first. Anywho, Dafmer was having a really good time eyeing them trying to psyche them out lol But at the end of the night, the guy left me his number. I ended up texting him just for fun, thinking that he might be useful to get me through the time that I couldn't talk to the first guy, but he ended up being really cool and I totally enjoyed talking to him... I judge people right off the bat, but I don't care that it's wrong. I love surprises and this new guy really surprised me. He's really fun to talk to, we've talked till like 6 in the morning two nights now. He didn't call me yesterday, but it's okay.

I think I'm digging my own grave though... The first guy doesn't show me enough affection or interest, but I know he's sincere... This new guy I'm not even sure yet, maybe he's just playing around with me, but he's shown me more interest in two nights than the first guy has since we started talking... I don't want to put myself in another situation like two years ago though T_T;; I think for now I'll just go with the flow, don't even think about it. Scared yet excited. Arg but truth is I really do like the first guy... I feel deprived when it comes to him, but this second guy is giving me what I'm longing for... Something doesn't feel right... I'm soooo confused...

Arg forget it! I need to focus on me!! Forget about these guys for now. Whatever will be, will be. I first need to be happy with myself.

8

This past weekend I hadn't really done anything... I think on Saturday Lue and I went to Wang's and just hung out... I bought a webcam so that Wang could video call his girl. And yesterday :D I went on a date! I feel like a girl all over again. We ate at Pagoda in Dinky Town; good food. Just seeing him for that short amount of time is enough to calm the raging seas in me. I like the pace we're going at... Really slow, but I'm enjoying every single bit of it.

But... as I walked out I couldn't hear his heart break into a million pieces. I did not even see it, but for sure I could feel it. As I walked out happily to meet my date, I could feel his world slowly sinking into a dark abyss, void of life. I am hoping that someday soon, someone will save him. I can not be that person, because even if I do, he'll be left standing alone.

7

Instead of needing you, I want to want to need you without actually needing you. Instead of tumbling down the hill like a boulder, I want to slowly take my time floating aimlessly, yet always forward like a feathery pappi. I want to slowly know all of you within the length of a lifetime. See all the crevices and cracks of your heart and soul. Mend the broken pieces and show you the sides you never knew existed. I want to draw out every single line that your heart should sing and sing it straight back to you as if it were my own in response. I want to feel your heart beat even as we stand miles away, miles apart. Don't you know you occupy a great amount of space in my heart and thoughts? Rent is high, but I don't have the heart to demand it of you nor the heart to kick you out. My heart is always longing to hear your voice, to see your face, even just to get a simple hello to know that I'd actually crossed your mind once this day. Honestly, you make me miserable, but as soon as you shed the slightest sliver of attention my way, spring begins to bloom once again in my soul. You make me so pathetic... I already see no victory at hand, how dare you?

Tell me to trust you and I shall.

6

I wish I'd stop being lazy and update my web page ): I think maybe this weekend I shall =D

Hmm... Let's see, what's been going on in my life... Well, this really close friend of mine... He's like the best person in the whole wide world. He's my sidekick that I always kick in the side for kicks. He's my Robin, my Harlequin, my Shiro. He's totally Shiro... You know, Shiro from TekkonKinkreet. It's such an awesome movie/manga. I myself much preferred the manga to the movie though. More details, as is always the case with books turned to movie. Anyways, my Shiro is like my brother... I feel like I treat him badly all the time... No, it's not like I feel that, I know it. I know I do. He sticks through it all though because he loves me. Not just any love, but the deeper kind of love. Can you imagine Batman falling in love with Robin? The Joker loving Harlequin? Kuro having more than just the brotherly-love feeling for Shiro? Haha... incest... Anyways, that's just through my eyes... I'm sure for him we play different roles. But yeah... That's my current situation, it's actually been going on a while, I just didn't know how to put it into words.
How do you let your best friend who is in love with you down gently? The situation is strange and overwhelming, but not sickening or irritating. I don't mind that he is in love with me, the only thing I do mind is that it hurts him so much. I've told him everything anyone would say as advice. I know it all because I myself would say the same thing if anyone asked for my help. This situation, though, has opened my eyes to what advice really is. Advice is just pure crap, it's bull shit. It's the corny shit that comes out of your mouth when you're trying to sound smart. Or whatever. I know what is going to come out of your mouth before you even think it, because when asked the same question, I would also be thinking the same thing.
So, now that I've learned this lesson, let's all just take a new stand, shall we? Let's put ourselves in the situation that is asking for advice. Let's imagine it as if it were us, you know, like think of your best friend. Imagine them in love with you. It doesn't matter if it turns into a gay/lesbian situation, it could happen. What would you do? You'd obviously say all that corny shit that people would give to you as advice. But, that doesn't help, now does it? It's like no one can help you and you're just stuck in the same place even after you've asked for help. Seriously, don't tell me something I already know. Don't tell me to say or do things that I've already said. I can think for myself. It's after saying all that, what do you do? You can tell someone to stop loving you as much as you want, but you can't move a heart. Nothing will ever be strong enough to move a heart. How do you deal with a situation like this? I've told him he should move on. There's nothing more between us and never will. I've even gone so far as to go on dates and talk with other guys and keep my buddy updated on my love life just to show him that I'm still moving on with my life at my pace even if it kills him a little inside. What I want is for him to move on and date around, get some girls and possibly some day fall in love with a really good girl. Hopefully she'll love him just as much, too.
Life's not that simple though. It's still complicated and he still hurts inside. I'm in the process of starting a budding relationship with someone new and it's hurting my little Shiro. I'm thinking, if I were my buddy, I would be hurt if the person I really loved just stopped talking to me... If they ignored me... You know, that would hurt. I know it hurts. That's why I'm not going to do it. Besides the fact that he's my little Shiro and I totally need him in my life. Right now I just talk to him about it when he's feeling really down. I'm treating him the way I've always treated him. I don't know... I don't know what to do anymore, I dont' even know if what I'm doing is right. I'm just doing what would help me get over a person, but the thing is he and I are not the same person. I really don't know what to do. It's so easy to say things when it's not you, but when you're stuck right in the middle of the drama you can't even see straight, you don't even know which way is straight. That's the beauty of life, ain't it wonderful?

On a different, but somewhat related note, how do I open up to my budding relationship partner? I've been scarred and now the thought of even opening up to him is like running out into the middle of a raging stampede. I really would love to, but to be honest I don't really know if I can trust him? I'm not sure what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but I feel as though he's a total flirt... or something o_o;; Well, if he says I can trust him and that he won't hurt me then I'll trust him. It's like wearing a white shirt with a target painted on your back in the middle of an archery practice range. I know. It's how I live my life and I'm still alive so I'm guessing it works. Haha I just don't want to regret anything and I kinda just want to live life with no restrictions. If the flood wants out, let's let it out. See how much damage it can cause (:

5

No matter how many times I think about it, I still feel the same overwhelming happiness each and every time. I'm still thankful from the bottom of my heart to have the people in my life, to have those people care and worry for me. No matter the hardships that life has brought, I'm so lucky and I'll never forget that. I'll never forget the times I cried out and my loved ones were there for me. The words they've spoken to me, the things they go through for me. All of it I'll never, ever forget. What I must put them through and yet they still stick through it with me. I'm so very lucky. I have more than I need, more than I want, I've been blessed. I just wish I could give more than I have someday, I wish someday I can show my appreciation... I'm happy.

4

Yesterday I babysat my niece as my sister went around shopping and taking pictures with her friends. I ended up buying four tops, why oh why?! I'm broke enough as it is T_T;; I took a lot of photos though so if anyone is interested I uploaded them onto my myspace and facebook. They're just bad quality mobile photos, but still something to look at.

I was over at Glue's place on... Friday night? Saturday night? I was playing Siren New Translation and I have to admit I'm disappointed. It's not as fun as the one for the PS2, actually everything is like a rerun of the PS2 version. Without even trying I'm muscling my way trough the game just from memory of the previous game. It's such a huge disappointment, but I'll play it because I made Glue download it. I think once I've beaten it through once, I'll go through it again and get all the items for the archive... Maybe get a walkthrough so that I can enjoy the entirety of the game too.

Dafmer showed me this song by Super Junior and it's so annoyingly good. Even better than Sorry Sorry. God I hate watching the video, watching them dance... I just want to cut their heads off or something... Why must they look so good, be so talented and dance like that?! Damn them...

3

Yesterday the gang and I went biking around Lake Phalen again, but before that we went to a block party at Dafmer's place. It was fun watching balloons float away to the sky. I got a clear balloon and tied it to the back of my bike, but gave it to a little kid after one round because I didn't want to pop it on my tire then have the string wrap around my tire @_@;; After biking around a few times we all went to Dafmer's place for some egg rolls, jello and pop. I don't normally like egg rolls, but Dafmer's mom's weren't that bad.

I wonder what it takes to make someone like you, or what it takes to make them think about you all day long. Why some people can't do that and some don't even have to try. It's so hard to control the heart when you know you don't want to, but you know you should. Some days I don't want to give a shit, it's so like whatever! In the end who cares, really? I won't die over something so silly anyways. I'll just keep trying to control the overflowingly uncontrollable feelings that have started to well up in me again. Well, it's not that dramatic, but it sure does get to me... It's so much like war though, sometimes you must lose a few battles in order to win the war. It's funny though, because winning in this game isn't actually a mutual agreement. My idea of winning is actually quite sadistic.

Anyways, right now I'm really obsessed with the Yoon Do Hyun Band (YB).

2

Let's see... Last Thursday David, Crabby and I went to a concert at Station 4. This was David and my first concert, Crabby's been to quite a few. I found out about it because I knew a guy who was in a band that was performing there. The band's name is Venus on Fire. I gotta say I was not disappointed in the least. All the bands that played that night were so freaking awesome!! There was this other band named Sunglasses and Mushrooms, but they sounded soooo much better live I can't even stress it enough! There was also Theoria and they were pretty good, too. There was a fourth band but I can't remember their name unfortunately ):

Then on Saturday we celebrated my brother-in-law's birthday with a picnic and the pinata event was just so adorable some kids kept getting hit by it instead of hitting it~~ After that my friends and I went to Carver Lake to swim and my goodness it's so gorgeous there! I was doing the dead man's float a lot so my friends would freak out haha I think I flashed my right nipple a few times before I tightened my swimsuit lol I don't know how long we were there for, but it was so fun... After getting out of the water we buried Wang in sand and made a sand body for him. He had boobs, a pregnant stomach, a penis and uneven legs lol... But it was so trippy we'd forget that the sand legs weren't his real legs that we'd be stepping on him haha As soon as I can I'm going to upload pictures... Just have a long journal of pictures because I've started taking more pictures lately but my camera broke yesterday T_T;; An excuse to get a better camera =D Anyways after that we went to Atlantic Buffet and ate till our stomachs practically exploded and when it came time to read our fortune cookies everyone kept adding "in bed" after every fortune that Glue just kept adding "in bed" to the end of everyone's sentences lol Wang went home after that and we drove out to Wisconsin to see the stars... Sounds a little far just for stars but actually it was only a 30 minute drive. We got to this place with cornfields as far as the eye could see and David pulled over, but he pulled over too far and ran into a ditch that was hidden by tall grass lol... We almost flipped over into the cornfield and that was freaking scary as hell. A fun experience though. Since I was in the passanger seat Crabby and Glue went out to push the car and they "went strong" lol Then after having enough of looking at the stars and freaking out everytime a car would come by we came back to Minnesota and went to Battle Creek Park for I don't know why. I fell asleep in the car on the drive back. It was maybe about 2AM when... I'm just going to call David Dafmer from now on because Glue's little niece kept calling him that lol... Well anyways Dafmer would make this really freaky "hyuk hyuk hyuk" laugh and so I said he should call Wang on a blocked number and do that laugh lol Wang listened for about 14 seconds then quietly hung up. It was a good laugh, but the next day he said he knew it was Dafmer.

Sunday... I think we went and got my bike because I'll be working night shifts now so I'll just bike home. I picked out this pink bike lol We went biking around Phalen Lake and I just about died going up the little hills... Right now my butt hurts like crazy because of the seat I don't even know how much longer I can take it. Just slightly sitting down on some hard surface makes me want to just get back up again and stand. Even sitting on carpet hurts lol... Oh and when everyone was leaving Glue and I were going to bike to Wang's, but before we went I asked Glue to get a guy's number for me lol... I said, "the guy in the hat is my angel!! I've seen him around Cub's before." So I went ahead and Glue asked for his number, but he got the wrong guy because now the other guy had the hat on LOL So I called and explained the situation, but my angel is actually 16 years old... Age is nothing, but a number in the end I guess, but the guy gave my number to his other brother who is 23 years old... He graduated from the U of M and as it turns out he says that he's seen me around on campus before. What a small world right? He's a pretty cool and down-to-earth kind of guy, or so it seems...

Today Wang, Glue and I went biking down Phalen Boulevourd, then to Swede Hollow where I splashed my back, and then to Mounds Park. I don't know how many times I died on the hills. Since we weren't that far from where my sister lived we came here and now I'm just waiting for Glue because he had to go with his mom somewhere. I think we're gonna head to Dafmer's, eat then off to work I go. Yay work...? I'm kind of scared to be honest :3

You know, I'm really glad that I have the friends that I do. Sometimes it makes me feel bad that I'm so mean and say really harsh things, but I don't know how to be any nicer than I am. I think I'll just try to find other ways to show my appreciation and how much I care about them.

relations...

People are like colours. Every single one unique and different. When we meet someone our colours merge and create a new colour which represents the relationship... Some are beautiful and some are just ugly.
We're all born with a toolbox of emotions. We have all the tools there and only use what we need when the time calls for it. Some may be wearing out and some you may have never touched, but we have all the necessary tools and they'll always be there.

I'm sure all of us have always wanted someone we could tell every single one of our dark and dirty secrets to without having that person reject us in reply. Someone who accepts every single part of us without hesitation or fear. This person could be anyone... A parent, a brother, sister, lover or a friend. They'll stick with you through the worst of times and the best of times, through breakups and through the short periods in which strangers come and go in your life. When you get married, when you have your first kid and even when you've grown old and gray that person will still be there smiling and laughing with you. Always knowing what to say when and where, we all need someone like that.

But, what happens when you find someone like that? And what if you're the type of person who never had anything so wonderful in your life, never even dreamed of having such a precious thing in the world? Always alone and having no one at all to rely on but yourself. You'd think you'd be thrilled, be happy and cherish it, but that's not reality. Instinctively, as a human, you would reject it. We reject what we don't know, what we can not comprehend and what can potentially harm us.

I hope someday you overcome this, dood. As scary as it may be, it's actually quite a wonderful world out there and in order to fully enjoy it you've got to accept the fact that you will, no doubt, get hurt a lot and quite gruesomely. But that's what defines a person, how they overcome their problems and whether or not they've given up. It's not so hard to love and to trust, the only hard thing is the start. It's that moment right before the plunge. It's very scary, but you've got to live life to the fullest if you ever want the right to say that you lived. Most people only get by in life, but I know that that's not what you want... You're not that kind of person. And you say you're willing to die at any moment for the people in your life and yet you can't even do the simplest task of living... Just jump off that cliff already!!!

Thought Trails

I want to feel alive all the time 24/7 always and forever from here on out. I want to see the world in the blink of an eye, within the whispers of a passing kiss. I want to feel the wonders of the world within the hold of a hand and become breathless from the burden of the beauty. I want to see the ends of the universe within a stranger's eyes. To be taught the meaning of life just by taking a breath when I've fallen into despair. I want to feel like I'm falling endlessly whenever I look to the sky. Some days I want my heart broken just to know that I'm alive. Some days I want to run out somewhere where no one will find me, where no one could reach me just to know how painful the distance really could be. All this in a day, someday, everyday.

*****

I participated in the Dragon Boat Festival here at Phalen in rowing a dragon boat. I'm so glad I didn't back out at the last second like I was originally planning. I only said yes in the first place because I was thinking of that Yes-Man movie haha~ But it was a fun experience, we got 12th place out of 22 I think.
That day my friend Crabby thought this one guy looked kinda cute so I went up to him and asked him in this order, if he had a girlfriend (no), if I could have his number for my friend (um this is unexpected), and for his name which I won't mention. After that David said that he looked like Blue, this guy he knew from high school whom, on our first meeting I'd asked him to flex for me because he looked really buff, and Crabby said he looked and had the same name as the guy her gay friend was trying to hit on. Turns out it was the same guy her friend was trying to hit on, and he's also Blue's younger brother. The world is so small.

I'm thinking of changing my work schedule from daytime to graveyard shifts. It's a little scary and intimidating because I don't know how my life is going to go with that change, but for now I guess I'll go with the flow. If my manager never contacts me about the change or it isn't possible then whatever. It's not totally necessary anyways. Though I do love working with the people who come in at night and it would leave my daytime open for holidays and stuff... Ah the pros and cons...

I feel bad I haven't put up any of my recent works... Well actually at this point and time it's not even recent anymore. I'd like to work on new drawings and stuff, but I've not been inspired to do anything at all as of late. Maybe I'm not as serious as I always thought I was.

the winner takes it all

Isn't it weird how we chase after the ones who don't care about us and totally overlook the ones that care the world for us? It's cruel to lead others on when you have no intention of ever making them happy, yet we do it anyways. Why is that? Is it the thrill of having that kind of power over someone? To make them think about you all day, give a little and then take it back. And what about loving the chase, but not the reward? Some people will chase after someone as if it depended on their very life, but once they've obtained what they were chasing after they lose interest. What is it that compels us to do these kinds of things that would hurt others for our own amusement?

Why were we born into this world lonely? We've survived just fine without that special someone in our lives till we get that first bitter and sweet taste of love and after that we just keep searching. I grew up fine without a lover, and I'll survive just fine without one. Shit happens and I don't need to go through something twice before I actually learn my lesson. Relationships leave you with nothing... Friendships blossom and last a lifetime, but relationships end. So why bother? I'm done... I'm done letting people in and having them walk out of my life as if I wasn't worth anything. I'm done having someone stay in my thoughts for hours on end. I'm done with being toyed with.

disposable

It's been a while and it seems like the same things keep happening over and over. These relationships are getting repetitive with the same endings. When do I get my happy ending? The answer to that is never. I know what the problem is now. It's the same problem I've had in all my past relationships, though I never realized it. That problem is commitment.

How does a person who's never had close relationships with family, friends or teachers commit to the one they love? What would their reaction be when they find themselves in a situation where marriage is a high possibility? For someone who's never had 'deep' relationships, don't you think they would panic? Don't you think they would be unfaithful in order to escape from this strange and foreign feeling?

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't love my family, friends or teachers. I do. I've even loved all of my ex-boyfriends, but never have i had any really close relationships with anyone. What I mean by close relationships is being able to say anything and everything, having a person that is your comfort. Knowing their every like, dislike, hobbies and interests. Their actions and reactions, everything you know. And the same can be said of them about you. For me I do not have this person. After that incident happened when i was 10, I pretty much pushed everyone away and closed myself off. Moving around a lot didn't help with keeping friends either.

This is my downfall as a person. In order to overcome it and find true love I hope to deepen my relationships with the people in my life.

Even though Lan and I are through for the last time, the good things happened and I hope with all of my heart that eventually one day there won't be any bad feelings between us. I hope this for all of the guys I've dated, but I know reality and I know that reality isn't that forgiving. But whether any of us keep in touch in the future or not, I hope they all find their happiness and are very successful in life.

1

i drank a small cup of milk today.

there's two new drawings i did, but i don't think i even uploaded older ones. i'm thinking about buying my own website. problem is, i don't know what i'd want the address to be, or where i'd buy it from.

slick.

i... i have neglected this place once again... lately i've been doing nothing but playing Slick Audition... it's a private server and a lot more fun than SEA or AAU. Hmmm... I finally BU'd for the first time haha Kow is really good D: i think i'll have to practice more to maybe someday become a better opponent... There's this really stupid fad going on on Slick lately... Random guys come and ask if you wanna couple them D: i only accept bc i get munnies :3 then they break it off so i don't lose anything 8D

uh anyways, besides gaming... i haven't been doing much. let's see... when was the last time i blogged? uh... xmas was okay. hectic. omfg did i blog about that already >_>;; oh lawl okay nvm. i only posted a picture. well we went to my sis's house, then we went to my bf's parent's house. i was surprised, but i received some presents from his side of the family :O

new years was freak'n gay lol... Lan kept pestering me to invite my friends over bc we once talked about hanging out at my place and drinking, but I didn't think it would happen... not like we were really serious about it... so i did invite them and Lan had some friends over too. our groups of friends are very different. so different that it was really awkward. only a few of my friends drank... lawl maybe 2 of them got really buzzed then my bf and his friends went to the bar while my friends and i went to an ice rink... DIFFERENT RIGHT?! Lan ended up getting wasted and knocking out that night while i stayed up late slicking tee hee~

ugh... recently... i hate work. and... i've stopped playing slick so much... did a little drawing... omg DX i still haven't finished the new years picture.

OH YEAH and i just finished Kannagi. just last night 8D Kannagi was good. very good. i'm so glad i watched it now. i still lol every time i watch the opening. i love her fish-out-of-water dance. there's got to be a 2nd season!!! there's still things that they left unexplained D: i can't remember what they are now, but that's okay. oh yeah, and Lan and i started watching Gurren Lagann lawl :D KAMINAAAAAAA oh god he's gotta be the manliest animu chara... i totally love him. err... and i watched the first episodes of Binbou Shimai Monogatari or w/e... and also Ashita no Nadja... um... oh and i wanna start watching Strike Witches.

shit. i need to finish my portfolio.