13

My dad's been calling me lately... Out of the blue talking about things that I really don't need to hear right now. He doesn't believe me when I say I work at night, or he probably thinks I get off at 10 or something. He thinks I go out till 5 in the AM drinking and partying. He thinks I don't want to get my life straight. He says he'd help me if I were a good person and hung out with a good crowd. He wants me to find a good man and settle down with a family if I'm not going to go to school. He says he's saying this all out of love and I can hate him all I want.

It's not like I don't know. It's not like I don't want to. And I definitely don't hate him for all that he's saying. I know it's all out of love and I don't mind. I'll listen. But it's not to say that I don't hurt from this. My dad doesn't know me, doesn't know that I am a good person, doesn't know that my friends are good people, doesn't know how badly I want to go back to school, doesn't know that I do want more out of life and that I am trying my hardest. He doesn't know how stressful it is for me. He doesn't seem to know that I hurt a lot from not having him to lean on...

I know life would have been easier if I had both my parents. If my family hadn't broken apart so long ago, I think I would have turned out quite normal and happy. But that's not my reality, and that's not how things are. Things are hard and strange and so very confusing. I really don't know who I can rely on and I don't know who I can talk to about these things. My father doesn't understand me even when I try to explain myself, my mother was never there and I never established much of a relationship with her, my sister has her own family to take care of, my brothers are young and innocent, my best friend has his own feelings and life problems to sort through, and the last person I'd want to run to is the guy of my affections...

Where I'm standing now, it's so lonely and scary. I can see what I have to do, where I have to go, but I don't see a method of getting there. In this situation I think I would say something like, "Just take a step, take a leap, take a chance." But really, I feel like I'm stranded on a driftwood not knowing how to swim or where to go with no land in sight. The skies are gray and cloudy, there is no sunlight and for miles and miles I can hear the silence that reminds me that I am truly alone. Honestly, I feel like I'm just going in circles.

There is one person I can ask for help, though. Even if he can't pull through, he tries his best and does what he can. Unfortunately, he should be the last person I ask for help from. I've wronged him and yet he's still willing to help me. Knowing this I feel just slightly better, yet also sadder. I really want to make it up to him someday. I think without needing to say much, he might just understand how much my feelings are in turmoil.

I could sigh all day... I could cry my eyes out... I could just scream in anguish and punch the walls till my hands are a bloody mess... But I won't. Instead, I think I'll sleep because I feel so drained now.

12

Um... Latest happenings? Yesterday my friends Wang, Wang's date, Lue and I went to see Inglorious Basterds. Brad Pitt was so funny (: There were a whole bunch of gory scenes, but very short so once the next scene started I pretty much didn't have time to think about it... Loved it and would love to see it again! After the movie I was over at Lue's place and we watched... The Grudge: The Old Woman in White. Watched about 30 minutes of it and couldn't take anymore lol... Just two scary scenes were enough for me to scream my head off. I"m waiting for David to get back from Missouri so we can all watch it together :D It'll be fun (:

Andrew from Venus on Fire asked me to design a CD for their album... I'm excited, but I gotta get it done by Wednesday. Haven't started yet, but I've got some ideas. I'll get going on it when I wake up. Oh, I'll start working on a new layout, too. I know I said I'd do it like last week... Or was it two weeks ago? Ahh... Old habits die hard!

I want to change a lot of things about me, the list could go on and on, but for now the most important things come first. I know I need to be a nicer person and treat my friends better than I do now. I need to be there for them like they're always there for me. I just need to be less selfish over all. Someday when I'm able to, I'd really love to spoil them.

I got to see Shiji (the guy I've been 'seeing') the other day :D I feel nervous around him, almost like a little school girl. I don't really like that feeling, but I suppose I just need to get used to him? He's funny though... Talks about funny things, I tend to laugh in my head listening. I like him (: I like this pace that we've been going at, but sometimes, just every now and then I want a little more... It's still too soon, but sometimes I really do just want a little bit more. At those times I suppose I ask for a little more and he does deliver, but I worry that I might be annoying him ):

Anyways, here's a new obsession for me:

11

This last Saturday was the Center for Hmong Arts and Talents (CHAT) Art Festival. My friends and I got there around 140pm so I missed Andi, who is the keyboardist for Venus on Fire. He had a wedding to go to so he was there for a few songs only I believe. I was able to catch the last song VoF performed though (: Some more notable performances that I can remember: The Dirty Darlings, The Hilltribe and A Day Forward. I'm seriously in love with these three :D Aside from the awesome performances by various bands, there were some really nice artworks up, too. I think there was more this year than the previous year, as well as more people who attended.

I met the singer, Tousue Vang, for A Day Forward at work, my coworker knew him and mistook my friend for him at the Dragon Boat Festival. He's a pretty cool guy and goes to MCAD, which is where I want to go to (: He's got some nice works up on his website too. I find them quite inspirational, probably because I know him in person... It's always more interesting when you can see the artist in person. At the festival, I also met one of the rappers for The Hilltribe, named Vong Lee. He's a pretty cool and down-to-earth kind of guy, or so it seems. It would be pretty cool if he could steer my brother on the right road in rapping lol... My youngest brother seems so foolish and childish, but I suppose these are phases you can't avoid growing up...

Other than these artists, I was also able to see a lot of people from the U I haven't seen in over a year. I totally miss them and kinda wanna go back to HMSA this coming year (: But the only problem is that I never really get involved, just slightly here and there... Who knows, we'll see. New people... I met this guy named Andrew Xiong who looks really familiar. He says he's seen me around almost all of the Hmong events or something haha... That's funny cuz I get so nervous around crowds...

Yesterday I was finally able to chat with the guy of my affections again. He apologized for not calling me like he said he would and everything was okay again (: He said he'd call me yesterday to hang out, but he didn't again. No big deal though because he sincerely means the things he says. This feeling is strange and new. I'm content without wanting and wanting more and more. Just a simple hello now and then and I'm happy. This feels good.

10

I miss him terribly.
It's getting kinda painful and lonely.
Why and how did I let myself get here again?
Waiting waiting I keep on waiting...

wo xiang ni

9

Two nights ago I worked till 3AM and it was raining. I couldn't bike home so I called Dafmer to come pick me up. While I was waiting outside I noticed someone had left a bag on my handlebars. Inside was this gorgeous card... Who else, but my best friend would leave something like this for me? I'm glad there's no hard feelings between us. We haven't talked in a few days now since I went out on that date...

And while I was waiting, I overheard some customers talking to this Hmong girl in a red sweater. I heard that she was going to walk all the way to Rice Street in that weather so I asked Dafmer if he would mind taking her even though we both didn't know her. She started walking before Dafmer got there, but we went looking for her and I told her to get in, we would take her. She wouldn't get in. She said she was fine, her boyfriend just beat her up, but she's fine. In disbelief I got out of the car and grabbed her sweater. I told her we weren't bad people, we would take her, we didn't mind. She just smiled and shook her head, she had her son to think about, she said her boyfriend was just at my work place and that the truck down the road was probably him. She didn't want us to get involved and told us to go before he saw us... I wanted to just push her into Dafmer's car. I wanted to save her, but how can I do that when I can't even help my own self? I don't even know her name, but I was so sad for her. So before I left I told her she should leave him if he's hitting her and to take care of herself. What meaningless words right? How many times has she heard those words before, I wonder... I'm just a stranger anyways, right? But I don't think I'll ever forget her. I hate myself for not being able to do anything for her. Why should I care anyways when I don't know her, right? Well I don't care if I'm being foolish. I care and that's that. These are my feelings and I can't do anything about it. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just didn't care, if I were more indifferent, but then I wouldn't be me anymore. Sometimes it's nice to just know that someone cares, I think. I hope she's doing well.

Let's see... We went to go see District 9 Monday night and there was this guy working there who really caught my eye. He had blond hair and couldn't stand still. He would snap his fingers, tell me lies and then tell me more lies on top of those lies then tell me the truth. I have to say he reminds me of jazz haha He's an interesting guy. Then a really super duper cute girl replaced him and I talked to her for a bit too (: After that I met my coworker's friend who's 17... My friends called me a cougar.

District 9 was awesome. Loved it. I'm sad Lan threw away the sticky poster I stole from the boy's bathroom a while ago ):

After the movie Dafmer and I went to Perkins. I had breakfast at midnight. There was a group of Hmong guys eating there too and one kept eyeing me and making faces at me lol... I thought he was Viet at first. Anywho, Dafmer was having a really good time eyeing them trying to psyche them out lol But at the end of the night, the guy left me his number. I ended up texting him just for fun, thinking that he might be useful to get me through the time that I couldn't talk to the first guy, but he ended up being really cool and I totally enjoyed talking to him... I judge people right off the bat, but I don't care that it's wrong. I love surprises and this new guy really surprised me. He's really fun to talk to, we've talked till like 6 in the morning two nights now. He didn't call me yesterday, but it's okay.

I think I'm digging my own grave though... The first guy doesn't show me enough affection or interest, but I know he's sincere... This new guy I'm not even sure yet, maybe he's just playing around with me, but he's shown me more interest in two nights than the first guy has since we started talking... I don't want to put myself in another situation like two years ago though T_T;; I think for now I'll just go with the flow, don't even think about it. Scared yet excited. Arg but truth is I really do like the first guy... I feel deprived when it comes to him, but this second guy is giving me what I'm longing for... Something doesn't feel right... I'm soooo confused...

Arg forget it! I need to focus on me!! Forget about these guys for now. Whatever will be, will be. I first need to be happy with myself.

8

This past weekend I hadn't really done anything... I think on Saturday Lue and I went to Wang's and just hung out... I bought a webcam so that Wang could video call his girl. And yesterday :D I went on a date! I feel like a girl all over again. We ate at Pagoda in Dinky Town; good food. Just seeing him for that short amount of time is enough to calm the raging seas in me. I like the pace we're going at... Really slow, but I'm enjoying every single bit of it.

But... as I walked out I couldn't hear his heart break into a million pieces. I did not even see it, but for sure I could feel it. As I walked out happily to meet my date, I could feel his world slowly sinking into a dark abyss, void of life. I am hoping that someday soon, someone will save him. I can not be that person, because even if I do, he'll be left standing alone.

7

Instead of needing you, I want to want to need you without actually needing you. Instead of tumbling down the hill like a boulder, I want to slowly take my time floating aimlessly, yet always forward like a feathery pappi. I want to slowly know all of you within the length of a lifetime. See all the crevices and cracks of your heart and soul. Mend the broken pieces and show you the sides you never knew existed. I want to draw out every single line that your heart should sing and sing it straight back to you as if it were my own in response. I want to feel your heart beat even as we stand miles away, miles apart. Don't you know you occupy a great amount of space in my heart and thoughts? Rent is high, but I don't have the heart to demand it of you nor the heart to kick you out. My heart is always longing to hear your voice, to see your face, even just to get a simple hello to know that I'd actually crossed your mind once this day. Honestly, you make me miserable, but as soon as you shed the slightest sliver of attention my way, spring begins to bloom once again in my soul. You make me so pathetic... I already see no victory at hand, how dare you?

Tell me to trust you and I shall.

6

I wish I'd stop being lazy and update my web page ): I think maybe this weekend I shall =D

Hmm... Let's see, what's been going on in my life... Well, this really close friend of mine... He's like the best person in the whole wide world. He's my sidekick that I always kick in the side for kicks. He's my Robin, my Harlequin, my Shiro. He's totally Shiro... You know, Shiro from TekkonKinkreet. It's such an awesome movie/manga. I myself much preferred the manga to the movie though. More details, as is always the case with books turned to movie. Anyways, my Shiro is like my brother... I feel like I treat him badly all the time... No, it's not like I feel that, I know it. I know I do. He sticks through it all though because he loves me. Not just any love, but the deeper kind of love. Can you imagine Batman falling in love with Robin? The Joker loving Harlequin? Kuro having more than just the brotherly-love feeling for Shiro? Haha... incest... Anyways, that's just through my eyes... I'm sure for him we play different roles. But yeah... That's my current situation, it's actually been going on a while, I just didn't know how to put it into words.
How do you let your best friend who is in love with you down gently? The situation is strange and overwhelming, but not sickening or irritating. I don't mind that he is in love with me, the only thing I do mind is that it hurts him so much. I've told him everything anyone would say as advice. I know it all because I myself would say the same thing if anyone asked for my help. This situation, though, has opened my eyes to what advice really is. Advice is just pure crap, it's bull shit. It's the corny shit that comes out of your mouth when you're trying to sound smart. Or whatever. I know what is going to come out of your mouth before you even think it, because when asked the same question, I would also be thinking the same thing.
So, now that I've learned this lesson, let's all just take a new stand, shall we? Let's put ourselves in the situation that is asking for advice. Let's imagine it as if it were us, you know, like think of your best friend. Imagine them in love with you. It doesn't matter if it turns into a gay/lesbian situation, it could happen. What would you do? You'd obviously say all that corny shit that people would give to you as advice. But, that doesn't help, now does it? It's like no one can help you and you're just stuck in the same place even after you've asked for help. Seriously, don't tell me something I already know. Don't tell me to say or do things that I've already said. I can think for myself. It's after saying all that, what do you do? You can tell someone to stop loving you as much as you want, but you can't move a heart. Nothing will ever be strong enough to move a heart. How do you deal with a situation like this? I've told him he should move on. There's nothing more between us and never will. I've even gone so far as to go on dates and talk with other guys and keep my buddy updated on my love life just to show him that I'm still moving on with my life at my pace even if it kills him a little inside. What I want is for him to move on and date around, get some girls and possibly some day fall in love with a really good girl. Hopefully she'll love him just as much, too.
Life's not that simple though. It's still complicated and he still hurts inside. I'm in the process of starting a budding relationship with someone new and it's hurting my little Shiro. I'm thinking, if I were my buddy, I would be hurt if the person I really loved just stopped talking to me... If they ignored me... You know, that would hurt. I know it hurts. That's why I'm not going to do it. Besides the fact that he's my little Shiro and I totally need him in my life. Right now I just talk to him about it when he's feeling really down. I'm treating him the way I've always treated him. I don't know... I don't know what to do anymore, I dont' even know if what I'm doing is right. I'm just doing what would help me get over a person, but the thing is he and I are not the same person. I really don't know what to do. It's so easy to say things when it's not you, but when you're stuck right in the middle of the drama you can't even see straight, you don't even know which way is straight. That's the beauty of life, ain't it wonderful?

On a different, but somewhat related note, how do I open up to my budding relationship partner? I've been scarred and now the thought of even opening up to him is like running out into the middle of a raging stampede. I really would love to, but to be honest I don't really know if I can trust him? I'm not sure what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but I feel as though he's a total flirt... or something o_o;; Well, if he says I can trust him and that he won't hurt me then I'll trust him. It's like wearing a white shirt with a target painted on your back in the middle of an archery practice range. I know. It's how I live my life and I'm still alive so I'm guessing it works. Haha I just don't want to regret anything and I kinda just want to live life with no restrictions. If the flood wants out, let's let it out. See how much damage it can cause (:

5

No matter how many times I think about it, I still feel the same overwhelming happiness each and every time. I'm still thankful from the bottom of my heart to have the people in my life, to have those people care and worry for me. No matter the hardships that life has brought, I'm so lucky and I'll never forget that. I'll never forget the times I cried out and my loved ones were there for me. The words they've spoken to me, the things they go through for me. All of it I'll never, ever forget. What I must put them through and yet they still stick through it with me. I'm so very lucky. I have more than I need, more than I want, I've been blessed. I just wish I could give more than I have someday, I wish someday I can show my appreciation... I'm happy.

4

Yesterday I babysat my niece as my sister went around shopping and taking pictures with her friends. I ended up buying four tops, why oh why?! I'm broke enough as it is T_T;; I took a lot of photos though so if anyone is interested I uploaded them onto my myspace and facebook. They're just bad quality mobile photos, but still something to look at.

I was over at Glue's place on... Friday night? Saturday night? I was playing Siren New Translation and I have to admit I'm disappointed. It's not as fun as the one for the PS2, actually everything is like a rerun of the PS2 version. Without even trying I'm muscling my way trough the game just from memory of the previous game. It's such a huge disappointment, but I'll play it because I made Glue download it. I think once I've beaten it through once, I'll go through it again and get all the items for the archive... Maybe get a walkthrough so that I can enjoy the entirety of the game too.

Dafmer showed me this song by Super Junior and it's so annoyingly good. Even better than Sorry Sorry. God I hate watching the video, watching them dance... I just want to cut their heads off or something... Why must they look so good, be so talented and dance like that?! Damn them...

3

Yesterday the gang and I went biking around Lake Phalen again, but before that we went to a block party at Dafmer's place. It was fun watching balloons float away to the sky. I got a clear balloon and tied it to the back of my bike, but gave it to a little kid after one round because I didn't want to pop it on my tire then have the string wrap around my tire @_@;; After biking around a few times we all went to Dafmer's place for some egg rolls, jello and pop. I don't normally like egg rolls, but Dafmer's mom's weren't that bad.

I wonder what it takes to make someone like you, or what it takes to make them think about you all day long. Why some people can't do that and some don't even have to try. It's so hard to control the heart when you know you don't want to, but you know you should. Some days I don't want to give a shit, it's so like whatever! In the end who cares, really? I won't die over something so silly anyways. I'll just keep trying to control the overflowingly uncontrollable feelings that have started to well up in me again. Well, it's not that dramatic, but it sure does get to me... It's so much like war though, sometimes you must lose a few battles in order to win the war. It's funny though, because winning in this game isn't actually a mutual agreement. My idea of winning is actually quite sadistic.

Anyways, right now I'm really obsessed with the Yoon Do Hyun Band (YB).

2

Let's see... Last Thursday David, Crabby and I went to a concert at Station 4. This was David and my first concert, Crabby's been to quite a few. I found out about it because I knew a guy who was in a band that was performing there. The band's name is Venus on Fire. I gotta say I was not disappointed in the least. All the bands that played that night were so freaking awesome!! There was this other band named Sunglasses and Mushrooms, but they sounded soooo much better live I can't even stress it enough! There was also Theoria and they were pretty good, too. There was a fourth band but I can't remember their name unfortunately ):

Then on Saturday we celebrated my brother-in-law's birthday with a picnic and the pinata event was just so adorable some kids kept getting hit by it instead of hitting it~~ After that my friends and I went to Carver Lake to swim and my goodness it's so gorgeous there! I was doing the dead man's float a lot so my friends would freak out haha I think I flashed my right nipple a few times before I tightened my swimsuit lol I don't know how long we were there for, but it was so fun... After getting out of the water we buried Wang in sand and made a sand body for him. He had boobs, a pregnant stomach, a penis and uneven legs lol... But it was so trippy we'd forget that the sand legs weren't his real legs that we'd be stepping on him haha As soon as I can I'm going to upload pictures... Just have a long journal of pictures because I've started taking more pictures lately but my camera broke yesterday T_T;; An excuse to get a better camera =D Anyways after that we went to Atlantic Buffet and ate till our stomachs practically exploded and when it came time to read our fortune cookies everyone kept adding "in bed" after every fortune that Glue just kept adding "in bed" to the end of everyone's sentences lol Wang went home after that and we drove out to Wisconsin to see the stars... Sounds a little far just for stars but actually it was only a 30 minute drive. We got to this place with cornfields as far as the eye could see and David pulled over, but he pulled over too far and ran into a ditch that was hidden by tall grass lol... We almost flipped over into the cornfield and that was freaking scary as hell. A fun experience though. Since I was in the passanger seat Crabby and Glue went out to push the car and they "went strong" lol Then after having enough of looking at the stars and freaking out everytime a car would come by we came back to Minnesota and went to Battle Creek Park for I don't know why. I fell asleep in the car on the drive back. It was maybe about 2AM when... I'm just going to call David Dafmer from now on because Glue's little niece kept calling him that lol... Well anyways Dafmer would make this really freaky "hyuk hyuk hyuk" laugh and so I said he should call Wang on a blocked number and do that laugh lol Wang listened for about 14 seconds then quietly hung up. It was a good laugh, but the next day he said he knew it was Dafmer.

Sunday... I think we went and got my bike because I'll be working night shifts now so I'll just bike home. I picked out this pink bike lol We went biking around Phalen Lake and I just about died going up the little hills... Right now my butt hurts like crazy because of the seat I don't even know how much longer I can take it. Just slightly sitting down on some hard surface makes me want to just get back up again and stand. Even sitting on carpet hurts lol... Oh and when everyone was leaving Glue and I were going to bike to Wang's, but before we went I asked Glue to get a guy's number for me lol... I said, "the guy in the hat is my angel!! I've seen him around Cub's before." So I went ahead and Glue asked for his number, but he got the wrong guy because now the other guy had the hat on LOL So I called and explained the situation, but my angel is actually 16 years old... Age is nothing, but a number in the end I guess, but the guy gave my number to his other brother who is 23 years old... He graduated from the U of M and as it turns out he says that he's seen me around on campus before. What a small world right? He's a pretty cool and down-to-earth kind of guy, or so it seems...

Today Wang, Glue and I went biking down Phalen Boulevourd, then to Swede Hollow where I splashed my back, and then to Mounds Park. I don't know how many times I died on the hills. Since we weren't that far from where my sister lived we came here and now I'm just waiting for Glue because he had to go with his mom somewhere. I think we're gonna head to Dafmer's, eat then off to work I go. Yay work...? I'm kind of scared to be honest :3

You know, I'm really glad that I have the friends that I do. Sometimes it makes me feel bad that I'm so mean and say really harsh things, but I don't know how to be any nicer than I am. I think I'll just try to find other ways to show my appreciation and how much I care about them.